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The top ten signs that someone
is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our
driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping
cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000
and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the
cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani
mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been
forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you
immediately."
This document copyright © 1999 by Chris White.
Programmer's drinking song
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.
The computer user's reboot poem
Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Actual calls to technical
support
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of
the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out
there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database
of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right
back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The
caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have
telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving
feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and
summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch
diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The
technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch
diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive
was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a
3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician
determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch
diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to
do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out
for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch
a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few
moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM
technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
Bill Gates can choose his
punishment
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God
stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one.
It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After
all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in
America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other
indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you
decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly
explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said,
"Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make
your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and
said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud
of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean
place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine
water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as
he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this
is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds,
where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful
chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill
Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was
progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall
in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured
by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches
and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
Microsoft buys church
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software
giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified
number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be
the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of
the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior
vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the
College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church
will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of
people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make
the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular
pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can
get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in
Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language
which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are
away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father
Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700
sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared,
but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges
if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual
properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea --
we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth
Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has
increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the
concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading
crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into
exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were
instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today
Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version
is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four
corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every
desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious
architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core
religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion
desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to
Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other
churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive
religious market.
Airplanes running operating
systems
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had
different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it
skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the
same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are
told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for
you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times
by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want
your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger
train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a
wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have
time to say your prayers before you crash.
Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a
plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up
without any warning whatsoever.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane
uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare.
Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want
and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach
tickets can't even get aboard.
Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and
piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're
building.
CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports
scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in
Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to
in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a
simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go
anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you
never need to leave home.
Real software engineers
Real software engineers eat quiche.
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the
rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so
mnemonic they don't have to.
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement
algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with,
that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't
program in it.
Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the
very thought.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This
process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except
perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious
of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine."
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that
involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus
mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs
to work, but only on very sunny days.
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but
they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their
friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented
external procedure.
Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been
implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is
available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into
account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.
Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have
not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG
(they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be
difficult to actually RUN these).
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I
is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in
function.
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either.
Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and
verification of algorithms is all about.
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy
hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a
great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL
levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over
something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes
to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
Operating systems as beers
DOS Beer -- Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you
to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's
no longer available.
Mac Beer -- At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you
take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the
can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need
to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer -- The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a
lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can
only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of
Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer -- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even
if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer -- You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested
it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes
more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside,
the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they
like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the
same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that
this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer -- Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company
promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows
95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested
only for use in bars.
Unix Beer -- Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64
oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim
that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops
break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener
around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer -- The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been
picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This
beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal
and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans
too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful,
but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.
Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer -- Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and
sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain
extremely un-beer-like contents.
Solution to the Y2K problem
The government's system administration team, working with computer
manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost
alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all
computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every
computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many
reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it.
Computer lingo guide
Log on - Adding a log to your wood stove
Log off - Don't add a log to your wood stove
Monitor - Keep an eye on the wood stove
Megahertz - When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
Floppy disk - What you get from piling too much wood into your wood stove
Ram - The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work
Drive - Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove
Hard drive - Trying to get home during a heavy snow storm
Prompt - What you wish the mail was during the snow season
Enter - Come on in
Windows - What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below
Screen - What is a must during black fly season
Chip - What you munch during a football games
Microchip - What's left in the bag when the normal chips are gone
Modem - What you did to your fields last July
Dot Matrix - Eino Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the grandkids sit
Keyboard - Where you're supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them
Software - Plastic picnic utensils
Mouse - What leaves those little turds in the cupboard
Mainframe - The part of the house that holds up the roof
Port - Where the commercial fishing boats dock
Random Access Memory - When you can't remember how much you spent on the new
deer rifle when wife asks about it
If Dr. Seuss was a technical
writer
What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples
of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a
very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking
icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index
doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is
connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on
another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in
the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a
bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode
instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and
you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell
your mom!
Top ten signs you bought a bad
computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous
paperweight collection.
Fifty ways to be annoying in
computer labs
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you
can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it
off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen
than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest
volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on
the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon
files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything
bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.
Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,"
and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if
you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that
women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two
days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for
a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you,
grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to
let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let
them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them
and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk
and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them
of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the
monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this.
Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue
working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key
is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire
paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if
I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old
ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see
that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't
affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several
times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key
work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep
doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then,
suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this
whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and
leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out
laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and
leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand
gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell
"COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and
say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like
you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out
you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in
your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim
"You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence.
As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then
the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit
down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev
that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that
computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.