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You have an Internet addiction
when . . .
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net:
28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled
the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site
address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't
have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail
arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks
like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are
already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
Your dog's homepage is actually good.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have
neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on
the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do"
and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you
never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your
computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another
computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first
instinct is to search for the "back" button.
The Windows Rejection Song
sung to the tune of The Rainbow Connection by Kermit Frog
Why are there so many, users of Windows?
Don't people have any pride?
Windows is useless, and designed by morons,
and Windows had got DOS inside.
But some don't care and continue to use it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.
Who said that every bug, would be found but left there?
It seems so strange and bizarre.
Microsoft thought of that, and millions accept it,
look what it's done, so far.
What's so amazing are all the delays in
the replacement for Windows 3.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.
All of us under its spell,
we know that it's utterly tragic...
Have you been not saving, and then torn your hair out,
because of a G.P. fault?
Is this the error, that occurs most often,
and causes your system to halt?
I've seen it too many times to ignore it,
I think it is just s'posed to be.
Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection,
the users, and Bill Gates, and me.
la, da da, lee, da la loo,
a, la, la la, la lee la roo!
Help stories from Tech Support
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of
the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a
called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on.
The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system
wouldn''t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few
days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the
disk.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the
drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard
putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his
room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn''t get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hiting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech
suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the
customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I
thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.
He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the
keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his
computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the
computer''s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken
personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn''t get her new Dell
Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I
pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal"
turned out to be the computer''s mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for
20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she
pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
The programmer's cheer
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
I'm ignoring Y2K
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of
being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the
Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some
respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack.
He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was
how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.
Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal
to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is
he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer
debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with
his life.
He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date,
he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was
that.
The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with
excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a
miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and
equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.
Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack
couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000
already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over
and done with?"
The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of
the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It
was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had
advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which
allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.
"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so
interested in me?"
"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it
says in your files that you know COBOL".
Instructions for Microsoft's TV
dinner
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone
else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of
Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner
and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven
using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner
(found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of
cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the
dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be
restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and
enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the
dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These
are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety.
Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess
chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft
approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version
has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing
your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer
probably should have been defrosted anyway.
There was life before the
computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
I have a Microsoft waiter
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be
the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork
instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you
using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the
bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my
soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your
soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
A list of redneck computer terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
The technical geek test
Are you a tehcnical geek?
Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take
the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the
items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you
are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone!
Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white
pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper
dolls with you until the feeling passes.
You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had
V5, and it was full of bugs!"
When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel
compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours,
and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really
should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand
coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you
correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your
machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct
her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed,
then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else
clause.
A husband with a computer
addiction
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will
be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know
what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS
AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome
boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait
for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is
very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that
age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you
spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny,
despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really
is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson, the department head, has taken an
interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you
didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house
is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you
noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you
wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George--err--Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking
us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to
take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your
coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope
you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and
I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Love,
Your Wife
Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe
magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for
Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,"
recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity.
Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment.
Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over
him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision
of panhandling for the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy
situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except
for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random
intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change
so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie,"
admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and
Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click
Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is
transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also
respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice
day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu
says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of
years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50
or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your
Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no
longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle
Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says
Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the
future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an
entire network of machines asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium
then ensued.