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The world's smartest man?
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery
man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that
lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of
minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he
announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot
grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs
great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and
leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart
men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the
plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to
you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane
with my backpack."
Computer history of the world
In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he
created the Word.
And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God
separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data
go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and
compact disks.
And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy
disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called
them hardware.
And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And
told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new
programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the
Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes
but do not use Windows.
And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone
from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the
Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.
And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the
User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every
piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even
try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able
to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use.
And the User saw that any knowledge was useless--since Windows could replace it.
So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer
that it was good.
And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked
him--What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered--I am looking for new
drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need
drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us
to!
And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the
creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always
sell Windows.
And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint
you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and
you will always rely on the Programmers help.
And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User, you will
never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them
and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it
with a password.
General Protection Fault
Caring for floppy disks
ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put
the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different
directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask
yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the
drive?
SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow
directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if
you are lucky, damage the drive as well.
PIRANHAS
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write
down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of
"caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the
remaining pieces of the disk.
MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights,
and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies
on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.
MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to
someone, and that's all.
MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your
fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.
DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.
DON'T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about
how to destroy them once you have lost the original.
SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll
find new methods to add to this list.
Password selection rules
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471
In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to
avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are
being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of
computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to
these rules immediately.
RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:
1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two
occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters
from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid
password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.
2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any
previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would
be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.
3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a
month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.
4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore,
a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is
invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.
5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may
not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because
these are all words.
6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are
adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal
direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password
because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid
password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.
7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example:
JOHNBOY is an invalid password.
Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually
only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this
password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All
users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and
begin using it immediately.
Top ten indicators that a
redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
The Borg versus Microsoft
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command
pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some
reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their
root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable
rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of
itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with
each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually
all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric
shape' idea."
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit
and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have
not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity
to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for
their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something
we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in
their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase
resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more
'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of
6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE
CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND
WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands
of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship
with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first
century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the
sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of
papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand
that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve
that!"
Ten things Bill Gates would like
to change about the automotive industry
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a
single "General Car Fault" warning light.
6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable,
five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95
or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to
restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting
that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
Abbott calling Costello
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
Abbott: Yes, that's correct.
Costello: No, what is it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one?
Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you?
Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get
information about 'yoo'.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
Abbott: Use 'what'.
Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?
Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Costello: Which one?
Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get
the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Costello: Which command will do what I need?
Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Costello: Write what?
Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Costello: Cut that out!
Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Costello: Do you always do this?
Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP!
Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was
upset once.
Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.
Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not
to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course
'now' is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal
compiler team.
The Twelve Bugs of Christmas
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Microsoft runs the I.R.S.
If Microsoft Ran The IRS
"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here
is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would
be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private
enterprise).
-- The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before
the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them
the following May.
-- Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some
early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients
must sign non-disclosure agreements.
-- In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for
appropriating some other country's intellectual property.
-- When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address
forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
-- When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay
an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and
get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the
original first page of your previous year's form.
-- Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will
reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
-- The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by
ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but
the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
-- After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and
rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long
title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like
Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
-- The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes,
interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be
neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
-- Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and
interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by
individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing
subsidiary would also be nice.
-- The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will
jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but
only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of
the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.