HOME
Newest MS computer game
Solitaire '99
Here is the README.TXT file from Microsoft's latest software product.
Microsoft Solitaire '98
README file, v4.3
Welcome!
Congratulations!
Welcome to the wonderful world of Microsoft Solitaire '98! This classic game has
been a Windows fixture for many years, and after a long period of development,
we are pleased to announce that it has been updated to take advantage of many
exciting, Microsoft- pioneered technologies, such as "long filenames!"
For years, our users have made demands, and Microsoft has listened. You told us
that you wanted an operating system in which Solitaire was a seamless,
integrated component. You wanted to blend in Solitaire with how you worked, how
you played, and in general, you wanted Solitaire to *define your computing
experience.*
Solitaire '98 brings this dream to a blissful reality.
System Requirements:
- 266 MHz Pentium II or better
- 800 megabytes of free hard drive space (2.1 gigabytes recommended)
- 128 megabytes of RAM (256 megabytes for Vegas scoring)
Installation Procedure:
1. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire" into your CD-ROM drive. You
will need to make sure that the drive door is open before you place the disc in
the tray.
2. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you
may need to purchase more memory or a larger hard disk drive. See your local
Microsoft-certified dealer.
3. Follow the onscreen instructions. If you cannot read, have somebody else sit
through the installation procedure.
4. Insert the CD-ROM entitled "Microsoft Solitaire, Disc 2" into your CD-ROM
drive. As before, ensure that the drive is open before inserting the disc in the
tray.
5. An installation dialog box should appear on your screen. If it does not, you
may need to upgrade to a Microsoft "Natural" keyboard, which you can obtain from
your nearest dealer. As before, follow the onscreen instructions.
6. After the installation program has completed, check your "Programs" menu for
a new Solitaire '98 entry. If the program entry was not successfully created,
you may need to uninstall all local copies of Netscape Navigator and/or
Communicator and restart the Solitaire installation process from scratch.
Playing The Game:
Assuming that Solitaire '98 has been properly installed, you should be able to
find it in your "Programs" menu (you should have verified this as part of the
installation process.) Microsoft recommends that you shut down all other
programs that may be running on the system before starting Solitaire '98.
To start the game, simply select it from the "Programs" menu. If the game does
not start within five to seven minutes of selection, you may need to upgrade to
the latest version of Microsoft Office to ensure that your system has the proper
DLLs that Solitaire needs.
For game rules, refer to the .HLP files for the Windows 3.1 version of
Solitaire. If you don't have these files, you can purchase them online from
Microsoft at very competitive rates.
Coming Soon:
Minesweeper '99!
Watch this space.
[ snip millions of blank lines inserted to balloon README file up to Microsoft
mandatory one-megabyte minimum file size. ]
Microsoft renames itself
Newsflash
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which
will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows
95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in
copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after
the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of
hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement.
"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill
Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow
us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a
year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our
software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The
Moft Pit'.
Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has
been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
Microsoft trademarks TM
Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol
By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT)
announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well-known "trademark"
symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in most print media.
The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not
yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of
Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few
months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing
around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a
follow-up to Sun Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island
Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named
'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil'
-- which would also help distance it from all those recently-uncovered security
holes -- when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long
run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol."
Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look at Bill's
face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark Office in
the morning."
Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark. According Rue B.
Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of Litigation and Law
Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be restricted to Microsoft and its
subsidiaries, like the Catholic Church."
But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out in the cold;
according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new symbol, '(tMS)', to replace
the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol.
"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states Goldberg,
"though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use in the future."
Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil Amelio vowed to
take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer developed the technology for
the trademark symbol more than ten years ago," but refused to give any details
on the exact nature of the lawsuit.
Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the N.Y. Times,
CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee Gifford all agreed that it was
a landmark move. According to William Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor
for the Boston Globe, "[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol
will benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough. As
always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to play catch-up."
So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest acquisition?
Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice Gilbert says that Microsoft
is moving quickly on similar purchases. "Our next [acquisition] will be the
'service mark' symbol. We already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert
stated that the new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new
trademark symbol.
"It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky is not the
limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the rights to the
'registered' trademark symbol, but several representatives from the Ministry of
Technology determined that doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the
trademark registry -- and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in
our software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft."
But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant. "Instead, we're
looking into purchasing the entire Patent and Trademark Office," stated
Schexnader.
No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for comment Tuesday.
Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All Rights
Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Microsoft Trademarks
the Trademark Symbol," provided that the by-line (above) and this copyright
statement are included.
Waiting on a long line
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer
as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.
At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four
thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale
!"
Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.
Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the
line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE
CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE
APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.
New product cuts stress
From "Machine Design" Magazine.
.....Byte Bat
All too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system
error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with
anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat
comes in.
It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but
satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.
Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible
with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally
compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one
genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in
use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This
computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."
Windows 98 hourly tweaks
11th-hour tweaks for Windows '98 by Microsoft
10. Included subliminal "Impeach Janet Reno" messages in start-up screen.
9. New Internet Explorer feature: whenever you visit a Web site ending in ".gov,"
a message first appears reminding you that Microsoft is not a monopoly.
8. Source code no longer ones and zeros--try 666s and zeros. Windows start-up
theme, played backward, says, Here's to my sweet Satan."
7. Comes with check for $50 that, if cashed, puts your name on an Internet
petition telling the DOJ to buzz off *and* changes your long distance carrier to
AT&T.
6. New desktop icon--click once, and $1 will go directly from your checking
account into the Microsoft Legal Defense Fund.
5. Added new template to preinstalled version of Word: "Letter to the editor
expressing delight with Microsoft products."
4. Freebie computer-controlled Barney doll has been reprogrammed to say, "Big
government is sca-a-ary. Janet tried to hurt me."
3. TV function scrambles C-Span during antitrust hearings.
2. Desktop display with countdown tracking number of copies of Windows 98 that
must yet be bought to prevent worldwide economic collapse!
1. Last-minute name change: was "Windows 98," now "Windows: Assimilate."
A letter to the editors
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the
office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They
are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to
grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the
already severely depressed agricultural industry.
The system crash song
SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash")
I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Some smoke from our VAX began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise...
[chorus]
(There was a crash) There was a system crash
(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash
(A system crash) It came down in a flash
(There was a crash) A fatal system crash
The lab manager then appeared from his room,
Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
But we had one like this just the other day
Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA"
[chorus]
The system had just been booted, diagnostics
had all run through, When a power fluck made it
all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too
So we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one night
When a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,
I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...
[chorus]
Question and answer
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.
She sells C shells by the seashore.
Q: What does a proud computer call his little son?
A: A microchip off the old block.
Q: What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
A: You get a short circut.
Picture a robot on a psychiatric couch: Doc, my intelligence may be artificial,
but my problems are real.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until
we've finished building it.
Changing number terms
In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to
take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new
definition:
The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve
the Year 2000 problem.
Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.
Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.
Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.
Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.
Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !
Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.
Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you
is wearing a monocle.
665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.
Purchasing furniture
I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves
answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it
gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I
tell them:
Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you
don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.
Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.
You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find
one you like.
C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.
Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.
C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?
Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can
loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.
C: But how do get there?
Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?
C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway,
and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?
And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:
C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!
Fixing broken computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech
that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech
concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her
hand.
I have a keyboard error
A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.
When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard
attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.
She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error?
There isn't even a keyboard attached?
Type what I tell you
While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to
type out his autoexec.bat file.
He said it said "File not found".
I told him to do a dir.
I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.
He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then
it says bat."
I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".
Again he got "File not found".
I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.
He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.
Oh the Internet is slow
The Net is Slow
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.
The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
Life cycle of software
The Life Cycle of Software
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the
other 10 aren't really bugs.
Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new
bugs.
See 3.
See 4.
See 5.
See 6.
See 7.
See 8.
Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based
on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
Users find 137 new bugs.
Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce
456 new ones.
Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji.
Entire testing department quits.
Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their
latest release, which had 783 bugs.
New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program
from scratch.
Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
See step 2
Computer acronyms list
Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
Idiots Buy Me
Idiots Building Machines
I'll Buy Macintoshes
It Bit Me
It Built Microsoft
It's Better Manually
I've Been Mislead
I've Been Mugged
WINDOWS
Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
When I Need Data Output Without Speed
While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
WIN
Whoppingly Immense NOP
Worm Infestation Netware
MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT
My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology
Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan
Different Operating Systems Expectations
Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno
VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not
Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC: Dump Everything and Close
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic
HP: Hot Pursuit
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MAC: Most Absurd Computer
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WARP: What A Rot Program
Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
DOS: Defective Operating System
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics
SCSI: System Can't See It
WWW: World Wide Wait