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What movies teach us
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such
governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can
correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing
"ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing
"UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's
desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes.
Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go
faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a
dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the
surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower
of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before
intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and
countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in
under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed
of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels
will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password
when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you
put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The
more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However,
everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-
dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video
phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects
itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").
Internet can get worse
Top ten ways the Internet could get worse
10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.
9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers
Canter & Siegel.
8. Home shopping "network".
7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud,
Toyota Prime, Intelworld.
6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
3. Gameboy web browsers.
2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:
1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"
If Microsoft built cars
Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:
1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year,
instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart
it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car
'95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's
that way NOW!
6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable,
5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a
single "General Car Fault" warning light.
8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars,
forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because
Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.
Computer problem report
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
________________________________
________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem
accurately:
________________________________
________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause
of the problem:
________________________________
________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor __
B. Minor __
C. Minor __
D. Trivial __
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up __
B. Frozen __
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes __
No __
7. Is it turned on?
Yes __
No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes __
No __
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows
all about computers. Try to fix it
for you?
Yes __ No __
11. Did they make it even worse?
Yes __
12. Have you read the manual?
Yes __ No __
13. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Maybe __ No __
14. Are you absolutely you've
read the manual?
No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think
you understood it?
Yes __ No __
16. If Yes, then explain why you can't
fix the problem yourself.
________________________________
________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer
at the time the problem occurred?
________________________________
________________________________
l8. If you answered nothing, then explain
why you were logged in?
________________________________
________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining
the problem?
Yes __ No __
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink
12:00?
Yes __ What's a VCR? __
21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies?
Yes __ No __
22. Do you have any independent witnesses
to the problem?
Yes __ No __
23. Do you have any electronics products
that DO work?
Yes __ No __
24. Is there anyone else you could blame
this problem on?
Yes __ No __
25. Have you given the machine a good whack
on the top?
Yes __ No __
26. Is the machine on fire?
Yes __ Not Yet __
27. Can you do something else instead of
bothering me?
Yes __
Customer support logs
Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:
Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away.",
Support: "Went away?"
Customer:"They disappeared."
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Support: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?"
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: ......"Yes, I think so."
Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
Customer: ......"Yes, it is."
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
Customer: ......"Okay, here it is."
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."
Customer: "I can't reach."
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."
Support: "Dark?
Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer:"I can't."
Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
Support: "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Support: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Support: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Write your code in C
WRITE IN C (sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers"
"Write in C."
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
{
Guitar Solo
}
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the edior is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.
A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's,
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
Ode to spell checkers
ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar
I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
Computer used too long
You know you have been on the computer too long when...
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,
then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else
clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and
start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you
remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in
octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
...You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the
middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.
Graphics work too much
You've been in graphics too long if...
by Chris Thornborrow
Most of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time.
When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered
whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on
objects.
You remember comp.graphics when there weren't enough articles for you to read,
none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between
raytracing and rendering.
You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first
introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?)
Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and
photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn't know a polygon from a camel.
You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine.
You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support
rendering in desktop machines and people laughed.
You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it
was even better than TRON.
You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics
problems.
You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language.
You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected
through the whisky.
You get despondent while walking in the woods and think "I'll never be able to
render this in real time."
You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot
set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate
the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200x200.
Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and
Eric.
You think being a computer geek is only half way there.
You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly.
When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate
in their terminology.
You get irritated by people who say, "Oh, graphics, that's a solved problem"
(even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term
"graphics").
You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two
copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a
computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board
from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original).
You get 75% or more of these jokes.