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Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to
be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an
hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Low self-esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to
seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound
wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in
silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your
problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
Loud, mad, or sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental
health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose
a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute,
then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
I often feel guilty
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident
psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she
pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I
end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your
will power and resolve in this matter."
"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterward!"
Better relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc,
you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how
hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your
self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.
Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive
person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing
all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit
excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on
his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best
moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Emotional extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on
emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to
the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of
woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Doctors meeting
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them
decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People
are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we
can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time
right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to
cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I
want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my
patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no
matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
Ugly person illness
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The
homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so
depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and
everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on
that couch."
Scared sleeping
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the
bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta
help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me
three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Promoting an office
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from
scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner
advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it
above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially
noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he
decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist.
Crazy people talk
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he
entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending
to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't
you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient
#1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's
a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices
Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from
there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
Solving a problem
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then
I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies:
"It's very simple. You're two tents."
Letter to a shrink
Dear Shrink,
It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn?t sleep at night. The
sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.
I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and
insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.
I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal
1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.
Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and
injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of
the free the home of the Braves?
I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but
here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget
and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same
day!
I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They
kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are
for kids."
Why couldn?t they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why?
Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic
and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?
I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of
that, that CEREAL.
There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting
but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still
wondering how they accepted the ears).
Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle,
but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.
There are times when you don?t get what you want but you survive; now think of
the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he
lives, and NEVER getting it.
Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny
little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.
Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor
berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape.
Lemon. Lime. WHY?
Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn?t share. Even
one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend?s craving for
those delicious six flavors. But no!
"Trix aren?t for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain
it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."
For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched
helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I?ve seen the pain in
his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol
of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.
No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the
glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT!
Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the
orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.
I can?t wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit!
He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who?s
with me?
Sianara,
You Know Who
P.S. If you happen to find 496 Trix cereal tops and over 2,546 Betty Cocker
points. You will know that I haven?t failed. Oh yeah, trade them in for a 7? by
4? by 2? life size replica of the Trix Rabbit.
Finish the
start
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish
what I start.
So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.