HOME
Feel better now
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the
couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-
pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates
me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed
on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know
you."
Psychiatrist phone
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay
on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one
will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
What is the time?
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an
important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the
time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground,
pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and,
pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the
precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then
swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is
now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch
accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but
tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no
shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my
watch."
A mental hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved
another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital
director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready
to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a
rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
Upset is unhealthy
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are
far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers
regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you
down?"
"Yes," the boy's mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.
"Who cares?" the mother replied.
Fixing an ailment
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of
it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right
they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were
told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for
Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across
from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine
you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them
right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?"
said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to
question her.
The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what
would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much
thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be
completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The
doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's
files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions
would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he
followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is
what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said
remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other
question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what
would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he
answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me
hat would fall down over me eyes."
You are a chicken
A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My
wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
Passing an exam
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination
given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free
to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them
for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an
empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations!
You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Too much analysis
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
Interviewing crazy
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to
have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however,
to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you
intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I
will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist,
you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put
me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where
I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said
for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for
the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in
this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be
a teakettle."