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Pillsbury Doughboy
Q: What does the Pillsbury Doughboy have underneath his apron?
A: Dough-nuts
Moby Dick
What is Moby Dick's father's name?
Papa Boner.
Jack and Jill II
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To smoke some marijuana
Jack got high
Pulled down his fly
And Jill said I don't wanna!
Three Little Ducks
A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool,
he looks up at the bartender and says, “Could you mind my ducks while I go use
the phone?” The bartender is puzzled, but he doesn't see a problem and agrees to
look after the three little ducks.
When the owner of the ducks leaves, the bartender says to the first duck “What's
your name?” The duck says, ''My name is Huey.'' And the bartender, an affable
fellow, especially around ducks, says, “Hello Huey, how has your day been?” “My
day's been great,” answers the duck, “I've been slipping in and out of puddles
all day.”
Satisfied, the bartender moves to the next duck and asks the same questions. The
second duck replies, “My name is Dewey and I've had a great day; I've been
slipping in and out of puddles all day.” The bartender says, ''That sounds
nice.''
With this the bartender moved to the third duck and thinks to himself about the
first ducks' responses, then says to the third duck, “Don't tell me -- your
name's Louie and you've been slipping in and out of puddles all day too.” To
which the duck replies, “No. My name's Puddles, and I've had a shit of a day.”
Piss Off Winnie the Pooh
How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.
Madonna, Britney and Christina
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera
are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.
Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says, "I'm going to throw
this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."
Not to be outdone, Britney ripped a $1000 bill in half and threw it out the
window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."
Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to
throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it
anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this
plane and make 250 million people happy."
Xerox
What do you call the Xerox of a boner?
Hard Copy.
The Seven Dwarfs
The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.
So Happy got up and left.
Yo Mama's So Dumb
Yo mama's so dumb she thought Master P was a special restroom.
Elementary, My Dear Jerkface
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three
women, eating bananas.
"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he
knew those women.
"No, Watson, I didn't know that nun, prostitute, or bride." Baffled, Watson asks
how he knew their identities.
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun was eating the banana by breaking it into
small pieces. The prostitute was shoving the banana into her mouth. And the
bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the
other."
Turn On Your Energizer Bunny
What happens when you put the batteries in BACKWARDS in the Energizer Bunny?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Planet of the Apes: Secrets
Revealed
* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that humans are not only "as
innovative as they are cruel," but pretty vain as well.
* Wahlberg's neglect in removing his shirt through the entire film reveals his
kinship with the teen demographic: BACKNE SUFFERERS.
* Fox Marketing Department determined that the ideal garment for a young ape's
human pet is a peach-colored dress.
* All inflamed baboon buttocks in the film were edited out.
* Most extras were actually disgruntled gorillas out of work since the movie
"Congo."
* Kris Kristofferson's surly acting style is a result of the neverending pain of
"Millenium"’s failure at the box office.
* The imagery of the Ape army’s red tents taken straight from biblical writings
dealing with how women were separated from the tribe during their periods.
(Charlton Heston’s idea.)
* Helena Bonham Carter's clothing came under-budget through some seamstress'
creativity and Rue McClanahan's wardrobe. Her wildly trendy haircut however,
accounted for %15 of the film’s budget.
* According to ape acting union, the "Ape" Lincoln Memorial had to be scrubbed
down with monkey feces in order to get rid of foul human odor.
Submitted by: David J. Bleecker
E-mail: DBLEEKER@nyc.rr.com
How to Know if You're a Redneck
Jedi
1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really
good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to
wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of
beer.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be
a hoot.''
21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light
a bar-b-que.
Raggedy Ann and Pinnochio
Q: Why was Raggedy Ann kicked out of the toybox?
A: Because she sat on Pinnochio's face and told him to lie!
One Side of a Phone Call between
James Bond...
Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Crotchetta?
Oh, grand! It's Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an
Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for
man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried
Giganta Crotchetta. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could
hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has
the name Giganta Crotchetta? Rather silly, when you think about it?
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your
garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. "Honey Rider" is a much
prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there's no delicate way
to put this. I have a rather nasty case of syphilis. And, um, I'm calling all my
sexual partners to let them know that they should go get tested.
Uh-huh. Right. I know it was ten years ago. But the syphilis is rather unusual.
Well, it has gonorrhea.
Yes, my syphilis has gonorrhea.
And the gonorrhea has lice. And the lice have some undiscovered disease that's
kind of between hemorrhagic fever and the mumps. It’s a virulent mutant strand
developed by Dr. No-Means-Yes during Mission: "The Russian Spy Who Loved To
Thunderball Me.”
Yes, I know I said I had a condom. But you see all the condoms I had were made
by Q, and apparently, the condoms weren’t meant to be condoms -- they were
designed to be used as a pocket parachute. Good man. If you need to have your
stapler work as a gun, he's your boy. Anyway, you didn’t notice because while we
were passionately embraced, your tongue accidentally trigged my knockout gas
tooth and you, um, drifted off to sleep. But trust me, you enjoyed yourself.
They all do.
Anyway, with all the rather bizarre ailments my, um, bizarre ailments have, the
doctors have advised me to contact everyone in my sexual history about my
condition. No small feat, I assure you. If you saw the list, you'd think I'd
been having sex with my fellow spies for 50 years!
Well, this is what the doctors suggest. Right now, I am in a remote island
facility. Actually there's no facility. Just an island. And me. But they'e
building one as soon as they can find enough hazmat suits. Anyway, a helicopter
is going to pick you up and bring you to the island where we can be treated in
isolation.
Chin up! Look at it this way: it'll give us a chance to get caught up. And maybe
once some of the redness goes down, along with some of the greenness and the
larvae, we can do some REAL reminiscing.
"Oh, James." What's that supposed to mean?
Disney World and Viagra
Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride!
Clinton -vs- Titanic
Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony
video:
Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet
Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe
Titanic: villain - White Star Line
Clinton: villain - Ken Starr
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist
Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary
Bill Gates in Hell
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have
done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in
80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and
worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw
him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the
beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”
Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”
Hogwarts Expulsion
Why was Harry Potter kicked out of Hogwarts?
He was caught playing with his broomstick.
Laffin' Smurfs
Why do smurfs laugh as they walk through the forest?
Because the grass tickles their balls!