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Two Blonde Jokes and
Nubile Cleavage
Want to hear two blonde jokes?
Listen to Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.
Potential & Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come
back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars,
would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially,
we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two
sluts."
Turkey Rhythm
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had his own drumsticks!
Cinderella Gets Some Ash
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As
Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,and promises
to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on
two conditions.
''First, you must wear a diaphragm. But if you're not home by 2 AM, your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'' Cinderella agrees, but she doesn't roll in
until five in the morning, looking love-struck and very satisfied.
''Where have you been?'' demands the fairy godmother. ''Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!''
''I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.''
''I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!''
''I can't remember, exactly. It was Peter, Peter, something or other...''
How Sauron of "Lord of the
Rings" is Like a Woman:
Both have been called "the greatest enemy of men"
Think they should rule the world
They obsess over jewelry
They spread gossip like the plague
They boss kings around like servants
They have an eye that sees all, or at least claim to
They hold a grudge for hundreds of years
Miss Piggy's Addition
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Drooling Drummer
Q: How can you tell if the drummer's platform is level?
A: Drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.
Dirty Tigger!
Why is Tigger always so dirty?
Because he plays with Pooh!
Mariah's Buhbuhbirthday
Next on Entertainment Tonight, celebrity birthdays: Mariah Carey's breasts are 2
years old!
Bob Dole
Q:What does Bob Dole and the Empire State building have in common?
A: They both took 410 days to be erected.
Writing's Powerful Message
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a
"great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world
will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff
that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Long With No Hair
What is 200 feet long and has no pubic hair?
The front row at an 'N Sync concert.
Yo mama's so stupid... Wu-tang
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought that wu-tang was a japanese orange drink.
Star Trek 'n' Computer Geeks
What if Data Ran Windows98?
WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal
lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to
display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big,
blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it
over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on
the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms
from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your
next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those
shields up *right now.*
DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your
next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes
the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and
return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which
is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge
pulls Data's left ear.]
PICARD: Shields... [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes
violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks
erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from
the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. [Data
picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more
buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan
ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for
that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm, and presses
several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly
shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard
coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two
hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable
about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual
noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red
emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely
motionless.]
PICARD: What's going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General
Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with
them. [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full
battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears
moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?
E.T.
Q: What's E.T. short for?
A: Because he has little legs!
Mozart Beyond the Grave
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the
town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming
from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a
moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's
backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the
Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he
stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My
fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Donations for Dee Dee
Did you hear that Disney is going to make a movie about Dee Dee Corodini?
Yup, it will be called '101 Donations.'
The Grand Forks Flood Film
Did you know their making a movie about the Grand Forks Flood?
It's called, 'A River Runs Over It.'
How Does Peter Pan Fly?
If someone hit your peter with a pan you'd fly too!