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Bar Joke
A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it
was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the
bartender for a Jack Daniel's. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out
the window. Much to everybody's surprise, he floats back up and climbs through
the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how
he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents
which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out
the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when you're
drunk."
Mike Tyson's Computer
Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
barbie
Q: How can you tell when Barbie has her period?
A: Your tic tacs are missing.
Farts and Enrique Iglesias
What do farts and Enrique Iglesias have in common?
a. They were both raised on beans.
b. They both have brown things on their cheeks.
c. They both have trouble singing in tight pants.
c. They both stink.
Ally McBeal
Q: How do you know that Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) doesn't exist?
A: Because the camera adds 10 pounds!
Osama's Favorite Movie
What's Osama bin Laden's favorite movie?
"Dude, Where's my Cave?"
Britney & Christina Get Locked
Out
Britney Spears had just bought her new car and decided to go shopping with her
friend and rival, Christina Aguilera. A few hours later she came out and
realizes she had locked her keys in the car, so they spent a few hours pacing
around the car trying to figure out what to do.
Finally, Britney looked off into the distance and saw storm cloud. She turned to
her friend and said," Quick, think of something because a storm is coming and I
left the top open!"
Clinton Saved from Drowning
Q: How do you keep Alec Baldwin from drowning?
A1: You take your foot off his head.
A2: Get the lead out of his ass.
A3: Chisel the concrete off his feet.
Cartoon Animal Infidelity
Q: What happened when Snoopy found out his girl cheated on him?
A: He bitch-slapped her.
Mary Had A Little Lamb
Mary had a little sheep
With this sheep
She went to sleep
The sheep turned out to be a ram
And Mary had a little lamb.
Inner Space
What has three balls and comes from outer space?
E.T., the Extra-Testicle!
Britney Watches the Birdie
Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin said,
"Hey Britney, look at that dead birdie!"
Britney looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
Mick Jagger and a Lonely
Scotsman
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and the friend of a lonely Scotsman?
Mick Jagger says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!" And the friend of a lonely
Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod, get off my ewe!"
Dough Nuts
Why did the Pillsbury doughgirl get pregnant???
The doughboy forgot his weenie wrap
Little Green Balls
What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
Hulking Mass
What has 148 teeth and can hold back the incredible hulk?
My zipper!
Christina Aguilera Does Drivers'
Ed
Why was Christina Aquilera surprised when she looked at her driver's license?
She had an 'F' in sex.
Windows 666
Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately
recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give
you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like
to see both before making a decision.
So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini
models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem
so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which
seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a
few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging
above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened
to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that,"
says God. "That was just the demo."
Meg Ryan and the Panama Canal
What is the difference between Meg Ryan and the Panama Canal?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Yo Mama''s so fat... Jerry
Springer
Yo Mama''so fat she was on Jerry Springer and Ricky Lake at the same time.