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Tonto's Incredible Ears
Tonto and the Lone Ranger were riding across the prairie. Then Tonto got down
from his horse and put his ear to the ground. He looked at the Lone Ranger and
said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger looked at him and said, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure
that out?"
Tonto looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Ear sticky!"
P. Diddy + Kenny G. = ?
What do you get when you cross P. Diddy with Kenny G.?
An aneurysm.
Cubist Poo
Who is the famous artist with brown fingers?
Pic-ass-o.
The Real Skywalker Lineage
(Setting: A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke
Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's
hand. It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks
around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down....)
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No, Luke... I am your father!
Luke: No! It's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true.
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass
droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio? Darth Vader : Yes, C-3PO. I built him -- when I was only seven
years old.
Luke: No!
Darth Vade : Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself: No
lightsaber, no hand, no job and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the
swamp.
Luke: I destroyed the Death Star!
Darth Vader When you were 20! When I was ten, I single-handedly destroyed a
Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... “Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted
for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!”
Luke: Shut up.
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated
the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor...! Listen, ten years old and
winner of the Boonta Eve Open, the only human to ever fly a Pod Racer -- right
here, baby!
(Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.)
Darth Vader : I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but
you sure ain't mine. (Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then
plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.)
Darth Vader : Get a haircut!'
Bear and Toilet
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh!
Energizer Bunny
What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny batteries in backward?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...
Princess Di and Thomas
Q: What's the difference between Princess Di and Thomas the Tank Engine?
A: Thomas the Tank Engine made it through the tunnel!
David Beckham
What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
Movie Theater Mayhem!
A man was sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came
by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you''re only
allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn''t budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don''t get up from there, I''m going to have to
call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched
briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them
tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the
police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right, buddy. What''s your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony."
Curious George
What did the man in the big yellow hat have to do every day when Curious George
broke a glass or a plate?
Spank his monkey.
Alexander and Kermit
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.
South Park
Q: What county in Ireland hates "South Park?"
A: Killkenny.
She Is So Blonde... "Soul Train"
She is so blonde that she thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train.”
Barbie Turns 40
Yes, it's hard to believe, but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to
greet the new century. And they've been 40 full, rich years. She began as a
glamorous airline stewardess when she was introduced at Toy Fair in 1959.She
soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in 1992, and, in
1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs into a
wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market.
In every incarnation, nationality, and skin tone, she's perfectly turned
out,with accessories galore at her long slender fingertips. She's Everywoman,
she's the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what will Mattel think of next as the
company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40?
Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some
ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:
Bifocals Barbie:
Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors
(half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha
Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie:
Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of
perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie:
As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy
tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Cook's Arms Barbie:
Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on
the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge
optional.
Bunion Barbie:
Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on
Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and
plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
No More Wrinkles Barbie:
Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle,
from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie:
All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off
her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in
robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit
punch.
Midlife Crisis Barbie:
Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so it's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Single Mother Barbie:
There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au
pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a
fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to
raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
Recovery Barbie:
Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she
does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings
religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to
Nursing Home, the possibilities and accessories are endless.
John Wayne Toilet Paper
Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet paper had just been invented. An
Indian, unaware of the new invention, was amazed when he saw a cowboy using it
out in the woods. Instead of scalping the cowboy, he offers to let him live if
he tells the Indian where he can get some toilet paper. And the cowboy told the
Indian about a trading post in the middle of the forest.
The next day, the Indian was looking over the different types of toilet paper
and asked the clerk how much the “Soft and Gentle” was.“That'd be $2.50,” said
the clerk. “Too much,” mumbled the Indian, “how about the 'Gentle'?” “That one's
$2,” answered the clerk. “Still too much,” complained the Indian, “anything
cheaper?” “Welllll,” replied the clerk, “We do have a generic kind.” “What
generic mean?” asked the Indian. “It means it doesn't have a name, and it's only
50 cents.” “Me take that,” said the Indian.
The next day, the Indian returns to the trading post and tells the clerk, “Me
have name for generic toilet paper.” “Oh,” says the clerk, “what's the name?”
“Me call it John Wayne... it's rough, tough and it take no crap from Indian.”
Yo mama's So Poor
Yo' mama so poor, her checks bounce more than the cast of Baywatch!
Clinton after Coitus
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after having sex?
"I will be home in 20 minutes, dear."
Wizard Wonders
There once was a toad who was a bit different than all the other toads in the
neighborhood. You see, he had a yellow penis. Since he wanted to be like all the
other toads, he decides to go to the local wizard. He says, ''Wizard, I wanna
have a brown penis, just like all the other toads.''
''You'll have to go to the wizard in Kansas, cuz I can't help you,'' says the
wizard.
So the wizard gives him directions and the toad is on his way.
The next day, an elephant came in that had a pink penis, unlike all the other
elephants, and he wanted the wizard to make it grey.
Once again, the wizard says, ''You'll have to go to the wizard in Kansas.''
''How do I get there?''
''Oh, it's easy, just follow the yellow-dicked toad!!''
Knock knock... Britney Spears
Knock knock
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Oops I did it again!
P. Diddy on a Diet
What dessert doesn't Puff Daddy/P. Diddy eat any more?
Jello (j-Lo)