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Roseanne
What do Roseanne and a battleship have in common?
They both need three tugs to get into their slips.
Redneck Jedi II
You might be a redneck Jedi if you say, "Luke I am your father... and your
brother."
Dr. Dre's Prognosis
How do you know if Dr. Dre has a high sperm count?
Eminem has to chew before swallowing
Movie Prices
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to
the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the
concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he
couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only
15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy
yourself. We have sound now."
Cross Breeding
Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosuar with a pig?
A: Jurassic pork!
Yo mama's...Stupid
Yo Mama is so stupid, that she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.
Rednecks and TV
You might be a redneck if you don't know what day Saturday Night Live comes on
TV.
Mickey and Donald in a Foxhole
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald Ducked.
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
A husband and wife are watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,'' and the
husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...''
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes.
The husband says, ''Well, can I phone a friend?''
Star Wars -vs- Star Trek
12. In the Star Wars universe, weapons are rarely, if ever, set on 'stun'.
11.The enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew
of 20 just to go into warp -- the Millenium Falcon does the same thing with
R2-D2 and a Wookie.
10. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
still looks fresh and desirable -- after pithy Cardassian starvation torture,
Picard looks like hell.
9.Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
8. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
7. One word: lightsabers!
6.The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
5.The Death Star doesn't care if the Earth is class M or not.
4. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
3. Picard pilots through the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at one-quarter
inpulse power. Han Solo floors it.
2. Aliens have make-up in other places than their foreheads.
1. Death Star vs. Enterprise!
Boy Bands, Girl Bands and Gender
Trancenders
Way back in '97 I wondered why those bands like the Spice Girls and Backstreet
Boys put their gender after the band name. We know what gender they are, they
dont need that....
Hanson on the other hand...
Yo Mama's Feet
Yo mama's feet are so scaly that they filmed Crocodile Dundee in her footbath.
Bruce Willis on Mt. Everest
What did Bruce Willis find on the top of Mt. Everest?
Icey dead people.
New From Mattel!
"Divorce Barbie!" Comes with all of Ken's belongings!
Tupac Shakur
What is Tupac spelled backwards?
Caput!
Cinderella Has A Camera?
What did Cinderella say when she left the photo store?
Someday my prints will come...
TV's New Fall Season
NBC
8:00 Friends
8:30 Girlfriends
9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends
9:30 My Gay Friends
10:00 Friends You Wish You Had But Don't
FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes
UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through
PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out
E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
8:30 John Belushi: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:30 River Phoenix: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Coed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui
LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband in
Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped in Pigturd!
8:30 Roadkill Recipe to Warm the Cockles of Your Heart
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-ewt!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get the Rifle From the Truck
TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa en Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora de Goya
CINEMAX
8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)
8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)
9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)
10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)
She's So Blonde... 60 Minutes
She is so blonde that it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
Horror Movie Blonde
Q: What do you call the blonde in a horror movie?
A: Dead meat.
Princess Diana's Dandruff
How do you know Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the front seat.