HOME
Mimes
What's black and white and red all over?
Mimes in a chainsaw fight.
Top 5 Lines Never Heard On The
X-Files
5. "Sure we could have these people killed to protect what they know... but
isn't that a little harsh?"
4. "I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is Casper and he's what we call
a 'friendly' ghost."
3. "Look under the mask... this is no swamp monster. It's Mr. Handy, the owner
of the old country store!"
2. "Well, Agent Mulder...you've caught us. We'll cooperate fully, of course."
1. "Gosh, I guess we were wrong. The government did have our best interests at
heart, after all."
Britney vs Stereo
Q. What do Britney Spears and a stereo have in common?
A. They both have big woofers.
Snow White
Why is Snow White always getting mad at the seven dwarves?
Because of the way they always greet her, "Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho... "
Sesame Street Meets....
One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route. At the
first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked, “What's your name?”
“Patty” she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.
On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him
“Special Ross.”
Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his
shoes and began picking at his bunyons.
Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had
never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.
On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was
thinking... “Damn, I have two obese Patty's, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking
bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!”
Little Kid's Books
'You Were an Accident'
'Strangers Have the Best Candy'
'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'
'Some Kittens Can Fly!'
'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'
'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'
'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'
'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'
'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'
'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer
Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'
'All Dogs Go to Hell'
'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'
'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'
'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'
'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'
'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'
'Bi-Curious George'
'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'
'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'
'You Are Different and That's Bad'
'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'
Star Trek: Riker's Death
Why did Riker die in the battle?
Picard ordered to fire at Will.
Orgy at Never Neverland
Q: How can you tell Michael Jackson's having an orgy at Never Neverland?
A: By all the Big Wheels parked outside!
E.T.'s Eyes Wide Shut
Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?
Because he saw the phone bill!
Yo mama's So Old
Yo' mama so old, she was the only dinosaur they didn't have to animate for
Jurassic Park!
Snow Off-White
What is pink and has 7 dents?
Snow White's cherry!
More Stupid Quotes
On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's not as easy as it looks, being on all
the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?”
-- Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star
On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of
gross.”
-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and
star in The Mirror Has Two Faces
On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be
born and be successful.”
-- Donna Summer, disco singer
On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical
hard.”
-- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest
On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the
tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the
tribes as well as their good hospitality.”
-- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking
foreign visitors hostage
On Acting, Jean-Claude Van Damme's Interesting Insights On: “In an action film
you act in the action. If it's a dramatic film you act in the drama.”--
Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”
On Segues, Unfortunate: “Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when
he was in college.”
-- Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig
On Book Reviews, Cogent: “It's a very good historical book about history.” --
former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson's Modern Times
On Civics Lessons, Vice Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House.
I don't know how many exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference
between the House and the Senate
On Earth, Where Found:“ [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar
system.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.
Elvis Presley Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Wurlitzer.
Wurlitzer who?
Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show..
Michael Jackson and Casper
What''s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do
List
December 1 - Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for
consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows 2000
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
10
What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1?
Bo Derek getting older...
Buckwheat
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his
name.
He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.
Michael Jackson's Baby
What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?
"Which one's Mommy?"