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Competition of a nation
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing
side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each
litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and
trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had
ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody
could get near it.
"When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal.
It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because
they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog.
"When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around
the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded.
When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund
leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at
all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We
don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working
for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and
the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working
for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'"
Defining the Americans
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last
dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it
can't go over 100 miles an hour.
Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then
are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year
for cigarettes.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues
but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then
drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more
money so we can move back to the farm.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out
at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while
eating a $.25 sandwhich.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world
and more diets to keep us from eating it.
We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our
yearning power.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still
can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still
have more divorces.
Welcoming to America
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first
trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his
disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American
flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the
Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they
all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
Admit that you did that
An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in
front of them.
He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop
down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian
asked again,
"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done,
the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell
truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped
down!!!"
Only found in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet
coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Native American trades
An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his
local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you
going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the
book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you
got any vehicles?"
"Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of
bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount
including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you
want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and
asked, "What you got for collateral?"
Discussing the tax rates
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them,
white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Touring guide for North
Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting
the Southern States
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the
south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the
difference in life styles:
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive
pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't
try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not
buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is
plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for
"Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't
understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy."
Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of
them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the
way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It
doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is
the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Unfamiliar with a term
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a
North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the
meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"
Throwing away garbage
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a
large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long
search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down
one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you
doing?"
"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty
flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you
want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on
the flowers.
"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is
this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the American Embassy."
Native American hears
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an
old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed
firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking
dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"?
"No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!
Researching this insect
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He
trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").
In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the
flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all
flea organs function properly."
So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote
again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."
Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he
wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did
not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the
leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last
leg the flea loses sense of hearing"
Evaluating this painting
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and
Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly,
they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to
eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Learning Chinese terms
Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation
Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia: Approach me
Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island
Lao Ze: Not very good
Lin Ching: An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai: A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice
Japan's quality standard
This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also
cultural misunderstandings.
They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided
to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the
specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per
10,000 .
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We, Japanese
people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the
three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been
included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."
Bragging about Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the
last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During
the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the
window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out
of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a
number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
Finding a Chinese Jew
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al,
"are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China.
Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews,
Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
Diplomat wants water
An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in
American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and
again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came
the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where
is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,
stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.