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Remaining as enemies
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat
in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat,
little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked
off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window
seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the
Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with
the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab
other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the
coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this
hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Eating the piece of fruit
Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the
train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen
before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went
into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his
friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Ant and a grasshopper
THE ORIGINAL VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN CANADIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away. Come the winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to the
ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. Canadians are stunned
by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows
up on The National and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that
the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog
appears on the Nature of Things with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when
he sings "It's not easy being green.
"Jean Chretien makes a special guest appearance on the CBC Evening News to tell
a concerned public that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who
has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly
during the Reagan/Thatcher summers. Sheila Copps exclaims in an interview with
Peter Mansbridge that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the Liberals draft the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act,"
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire
a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. John Turner gets
his law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant,
and the case is tried before a panel of federal hearing officers that Chretien
appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on
Thursday's between 1:30 and 3 PM.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old
house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food,
they are showing Jean Chretien standing before a wildly applauding group of
liberals announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in Canada.
Newfie goes skydiving
A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and
started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and
pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out
right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and
was ready.
The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor
reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump
from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord.
The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip
cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get
his parachute open, darted past the newfie.
The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you
wanna race, eh?"
Using nails on a house
These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the
siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it
away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This
goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is
throwing half of the nails away.
He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets
exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the
house!"
Simplified income taxes
REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORM
New Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes
1. How much money did you make in 2000?
2. Send it to us.
Touring a new saw mill
Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before
morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"
Methods of execution
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a
Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that
since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to
choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American
was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the
electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing
happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could
go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him
free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so
he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was
free.
Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said
"I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to
hang me".
You are from Canada
You know your from Manitoba, Canada, when....
You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the
ground.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but
requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your
deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your
Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Northern friends.
Try to settle the dispute
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden
and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the
Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman
pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the
egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we
normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and
note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note
how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he
could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched
him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was
howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."
Strange people are here
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life
in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was
doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in
these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor
moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all
the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people
like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment
all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'
Traveling on the train
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train
went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in
the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the
train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as
if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he
had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer
and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and
actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through
a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
The new Euro language
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has
been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of
the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had
some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will
be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil
servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced
with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one
less letter.
There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
"ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent
shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s
in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z"
and "w" by v
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou",
and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
Irishman declares war
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it
up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein,
it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on
your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point
you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no,
we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."
So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand
planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no
time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my
brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got
a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick
meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr.
Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still
going to declare war."
So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've
also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy
says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor."
"Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So
Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still
there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're
still going to declare war."
SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?".
"Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons,
and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30."
Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained
fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting."
"I will", says Paddy, "I will."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've
decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, "
replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand
soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the
facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
Make it out of a desert
An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the
desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to
the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy
top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was
carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher
said, "Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the
desert?"
The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long
way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a
loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.
As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a
long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.
Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More
curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"
"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down
the window."
A drunk Irisihman falls
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Where are you living?
A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's
your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and
asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above
Paddy."
Trapped within a bog
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly
wandered by.
"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the
Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o'
there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't
do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some
help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi
pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
History of the Bagpipes
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the
Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
Question and answer
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Paddy O'Furniture!
Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
A: Third grade.
Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch.
Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.
Irish girl confesses sins
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze
at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good
news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."