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Bishop And The Ass
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was
a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high
that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The
preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop
was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The
Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for
the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains,
and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS
IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
Uncle Ted's Morals
Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes
home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy
raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the
chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well,
one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto
the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your
eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs
hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with
only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he
floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in
the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun,
but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The
blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
Chores on the Farm
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done
your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and
feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished
he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking
cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and
feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a
plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my
eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I
saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now
you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his
mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
The Farmer's Daughters
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very
concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening
all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this
had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door
holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the
young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door
and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show,
is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna
get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the
two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off,
"Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
Blonde Counting Sheep
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She
stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can
count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around
her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow --
you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself
out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him.
"Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you
said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my
dog."
Watermelon
Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country,
when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little
ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car.
When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The
farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable,
whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet
grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca
walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads
off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha
and Janet to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies.
Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets
killed too.
So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died.
Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too
funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca
coming around the corner with a watermelon!"
Rooster in His Declining Years
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current
rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the
farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from
the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old
rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about
being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't
you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the
better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house
over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to
have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more
than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start
of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens
gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old
rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still
hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each
time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his
shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his
chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the
henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes
his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
The Hired Help
An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't
handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The
only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So
she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm
back together.
The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give
herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her
friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When
he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell
you.”
The gay guy said, “Okay.”
So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.
She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.
Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.
She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.
Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.
Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and
you're fired.”
The Tale Of The Three Holes
This guy was really sleepy and needed a place to stay for the night. So he sees
this barn up the road and asks the guy if he can stay in his barn for the night.
"Sure," says the farmer, "as long as you promise not to stick your winky into
the three holes." The man promises, and the farmer leaves him there. Of course,
he can't resist, and the farmer is woken up in the middle of the night by
screams coming from the barn. The farmer goes down and finds the guy stuck in
the third hole.
"What are in these holes?" the guy screams.
"Well," says the farmer, "one of them's my daughter, one's my cow, and one of
them's an automatic milking machine that doesn't stop until it gets five
gallons."
Farm Fugitives
A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a
shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went
into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he
saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack
with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got
off said....''woof''.
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to
say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''
Roy the Rooster
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him
if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all
your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow,
okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and
yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose
at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the
air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
The Pheasant, The Bull, and
Moralizing
There was once an old pheasant who was chatting with a bull. The pheasant said,
''I would love to get on top of that yonder tree, but I haven't got the
energy''.
''Well,'' said the bull, ''why don't you eat some of my dung? It's packed with
nutrients.''
So the pheasant ate some dung and found that it gave him enough energy to get to
the first branch. The next day, he ate some more and it gave him the energy to
get to the next branch. This cycle continued for a week. Finally, the pheasant
was at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by the farmer who ran into
the barn, came out with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Bullshit might take you to the top but it won't keep you
there.
Shoot The Pig
A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes
he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road
and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should
I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when
it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.
"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a
bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"
Some Things You Just CAN'T
One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest
thing in the bar.
"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.
''Some things you just can't explain."
''Try me.''
"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the
top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some
string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow
knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her
right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail.
But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up
with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''
"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."
The Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately
demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head,
"No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that
was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would
nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a
year.'"
The Bottom Line
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming
in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on
the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
Field of Dreams?
A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then
he heard a voice, ''If you build it they will come.'' He thought nothing of it
at first but then he heard it again, ''If you build it they will come.'' So the
farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to
do. A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!
The Golden Fiddle
A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took
the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden
fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when
the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful
she was.
"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work
the fields?"
"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful."
"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful.
If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."
"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half
hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true
to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and
suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true
to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle.
He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."
Sheep Boy
A man that lives on a farm wakes up and goes outside to find a man screwing one
of his sheep and a little boy watching. He walks up to the boy and says ''Who's
that screwing my sheep?'' The boy replies, ''That's my Daaaaaaaad.''
The Cross-Eyed Cow
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his
cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who
told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up
the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.
The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the
farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired
hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his
lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked
his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it
around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."