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Rush Limbaugh's Chauffeur
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally
hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.
Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door
and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out,
Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife
brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained
the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd
just killed the pig."
Farmer and the Cow
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things
you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the
bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left
to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot,
so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his
with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and
well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
Pig Farmer
A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig
farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his
mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the
pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he
didn't believe that was the way to weigh pigs. The farmer called his son over
and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed
his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds. The city slicker
said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go
get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig. The son went into the
house and after a few minutes came out again.
"Mom's weighing the mailman."
Here, Piggy, Piggy
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer
would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs
screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the
house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.
"No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!"
"I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."
Travelling Salesman Joke No.
44892
A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to
get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if
he could spend the night.
"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but
I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."
The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The
salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing
and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they
play football. The salesman didn't understand.
"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown."
The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took
an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally
he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and
let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.
"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.
"Halftime. Switch sides."
Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived
nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your
troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like
me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I
know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Strangers on a Train
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer
in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar.
Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask
me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.
"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10
seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard
about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls
into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10
seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his
pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.
"I don't know."
Those Lovely Farmer's Daughters
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates.
The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up
Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to
take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is
Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
F-A-R-M
How does a blonde spell "farm?"
E-I-E-I-O!!
Country Politics
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus
ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole
and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw
the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how
them crooked politicians lie."
Farmer's Tractor
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Perhaps Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp will stage a benefit concert
outside my barn to raise funds to replace the missing machinery.
The Ghost
On a rainy night, three guys were driving through the countryside. Their car
broke down, so they went to a nearby farm. The farmer said, "I only have one
spare room but two of you can sleep in other places." So they went to the first
place and said, "Who wants to sleep under the clothes chute?" The first guy
said, "I will." So they went to the second place. The farmer said, "Who wants to
sleep above the chute?" The second guy said, "I will." Then the third guy said,
"I guess I get the bedroom."
Later that night, the second guy had to take a shit, so he shit in some sheets
and put it down the chute. The next morning, the third guy asked the second guy
third guy asked the first guy how he slept, and he said, "I slept fine except I
saw a ghost and beat the shit out of it."
Cock O' The Walk
A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer
handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and
puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens...
Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young
Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let
me have one hen. If I lose you have them all.
Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition?
Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you
allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race
tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start
off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him
with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and
-- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who
sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week."
This Little Piggy
A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn't quite know how to do
it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a
little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So
for three weeks, he'd load up all the pigs in the truck and take 'em to an
isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none
of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That
morning, his wife happened to look out the window.
"Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?"
"What do you mean?" asked the farmer.
"One's honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck."
That's a Woman's Job
One day, Farmer Brown went behind his barn and found to his dismay that his son,
Jeb, was jerking off. He vowed to his son that he was going to help him find a
wife, so he would not have to be doing this.
Sure enough, the father was able to find a suitable bride just right down the
road and the couple was married shortly thereafter. Six weeks later the farmer
was again going behind the barn and caught his son vigorously jerking off. The
farmer went berzerk.
"Why are you still doing this, why aren't you with your wife?"
"Aw Paw," said the son, "Her little old arm gets so tired."
The Pig with the Wooden Leg
There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden
leg.
The farmer said, ''That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.''
''So why does he have a wooden leg?'' the tourist asked.
''Well one night our house caught on fire. And he came into our house and he
woke us all up.''
''So,'' the tourist asked again, ''why does that pig have a wooden leg?''
''Well, a pig that brave you can't eat all at once!''
Three-Legged Race
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30
mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his
car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping
up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn
behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm
lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he
had just seen.
The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of
chicken because the he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they
have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do
they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
Salesman: A New One, Really
A travelling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. He gets out
and tries to find something close by -- and comes upon a farm. Not believing his
luck, he knocks on the door, and a farmer answers.
"Sir," says the salesman. "Could you help me? My car's broken down, and I need a
place to stay for the night."
"Sure," says the farmer. "But I only have one bed, and my very, very ugly
daughter sleeps there."
"Oh, crap," says the salesman. "I'm in the wrong joke."
Salesman/Farmhouse v. 6.0
A salesman''s car breaks down in the pouring rain outside a farmhouse.
The salesman bangs on the farmhouse door.
The next morning, the farmer''s daughter wakes up to find her father in bed with
the salesman. She shoots them both and takes off in the salesman''s car.
She assumes the salesman''s identity and meets all of his quotas.