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Cow or Tractor
If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what
should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other
hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor.
The Clever Famer
Q: Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
A: Because he wanted mashed potatoes.
The Chicken and The Horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole
and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull
him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the
farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives
the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the
chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get
some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the
width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the
chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Huh?
Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch?
He found out it was a 'rough toad to hoe.'
A man and woman are driving...
A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG!
”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back,
“WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams
into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
Don't Eat the Yellow Snow
Once there were two farmers. One had a daughter and the other had a son. When
thier kids were teenagers they started dating, and the two farners encouraged
it. One day the girl's father went over to the other farmer's house and said
that he didn't want thier children dating anymore. The boy's father asked, "Why
not?"
The other farmer said, "Come here and I'll show you." In his yard was the girl's
name written in pee in the snow.
The boy's father said, "Oh, come on, that's just boy stuff."
The other farmer said, "You think I dont' know my own daughter's handwriting?"
Alabama Farmer
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Three Strikes Your Out
A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of
horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."
Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."
Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just
pulled out a shotgun and shot the hores dead.
His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and
said, "That's once."
Mad Cows
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad
Cow disease that''s going around?"
The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you''re a penguin, doesn''t it?"
Chucky at the Movies
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's
that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the
theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He
returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next
to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his
pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn!"
Hot Tomato
Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing!
Saddam Hussein & his chauffeur
were driving ...
Saddam Hussein & his chauffeur were driving down the highway when suddenly they
hit a pig crossing the road, killing it instantly. Saddam tells his driver "Go
to the farm over there & explain to the owner of the pig what happened."
One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm. His clothes
all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand & a cigar in the other. "What
happened to you?", inquires Saddam.
"Well," replies the driver, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife the bottle
of wine & their 19-year-old daughter made wild, passionate love to me!"
"My God, what did you tell them?" demands the dictator.
The chauffeur responds; "Good evening. I am Saddam Husseins chauffeur & I have
just killed the pig."
My First Time
My First Time
The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone,
Just her and I.
Her hair so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran me fingers,
down her spine.
I didnt know how,
I tried my best,
To touch her breast.
I remembered my fear,
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart,
And when she did,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came out!
At last. It's finished.
It's all over...
My first time,
Milking a cow.
A Brunette a red head and a
blonde were in ...
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out.
The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll
never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the
blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up
and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick
the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
A beautiful woman loved growing
tomatoes...
A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn
red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden
and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her
tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed
herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did
you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Two blondes are walking down a
road...
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have
one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can
have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: Well, I think you've got three."
What drug was the duck on...
What drug was the duck on?
Qwack!
A Mall Order
An Amish woman and her son are walking through a mall for the first time,
totally stunned by everything they see.
They are especially fascinated by two silver walls which slide together and then
apart.
They both walk up closer to the sliding silver walls. They see a fat, little old
man waddle inside and watch as the doors close behind her.
The mother and son can't believe their eyes when minutes later, the silver doors
open and a tall, well-built stud strides out.
The mother then turns to the son and says, "Son, go and get your father."