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Very hostile farmer
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in
a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun
and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
Texan farmer travels
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the
Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of
cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice
as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in
Texas"?
Question and answer
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller ?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
Q: When is a farmer like a magician?
A: When he turns his cow to pasture.
Q: Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.
Ploughing the land
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to
visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became
bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw
a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car
out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've
helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When
do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the
hole."
Politicians accident
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one
afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a
tree in an old farmer's field.
Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded
to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the
old farmer, "Were they all dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how
them politicians lie."
Amazing talking cow
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got
out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is
probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The
amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing
about cars."
Eat the watermelons
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he
discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts
up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating
any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of
the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE
ARE TWO!"
Try to grow chickens
A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of
land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor
about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100
chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor. "I mean business," the city
slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems." "Problems?"
asked the proprietor. "Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last
batch too close together."
Mother-in-law killed
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried
to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them
at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally
making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the
farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her
demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake
his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what
that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would
nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a
year.'"
Horse pulls the car
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't
move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he
called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one
pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
How are you feeling?
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In
court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't
you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the
scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying
to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule
Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across
the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me
and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU
feeling'?"