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A great fruit cake recipie
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a
cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup
of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break
two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the
turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
We could have been here sooner
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves
being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over
there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need
any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the
area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have
been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran,
wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
Thin People Don't
By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But
eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The
Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no
matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He
thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin
people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
lose their appetites when they're depressed;
think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make
interesting soups;
throw out stale potato chips;
will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a
special store;
think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped
cream;
try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never
quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;
have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly
beans to an equal number of each color;
think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
think banana splits are for kids.
The results of a study
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and
84% wish they didn't have to.
The bachelor's diet
Bachelor's Diet
MONDAY:
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while
brushing your teeth
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers
that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries,
a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family
size bottle of maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't
eat the coleslaw.
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TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close
your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to
prevent nausea.
DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
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WEDNESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke
DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
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THURSDAY:
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza
LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the
bartender for olives.
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FRIDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam
plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus,
nobody really likes asparagus.
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SATURDAY:
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.
LUNCH - Ditto
DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the
Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
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SUNDAY:
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old
room.
Caffeine Addict's Quiz:
Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then
just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or
not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is
caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians,
and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say
that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from
this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following
series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM).
Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the
end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way,
read on.
1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?
2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?
3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee?
4. Do you find that it's easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep?
5.
a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?
b) Right out of the pot?
6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related
products?
7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?
8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem"?
9. Do you need coffee:
a) ...to get up in the morning?
b) ...to get out of bed?
c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?
10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet
is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup
leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)
11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you "Ona mac towanda"
(Smells-like- coffee)?
12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by
its frequency?
13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your
fix for the day?
14. Does the phrase "swiss water decaffienated" strike terror into your heart?
15.
a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?
b) ...in more than five?
c) ...in your bathroom?
16.
a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?
b) ...because you're wearing out their hole-punch?
c) ...and it's bad for the environment?
17. Do you grind your own coffee?
18. Do you grow your own coffee?
19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?
20.
a) Do you know Juan Valdez?
b) ...and his donkey?
c) ...intimately?
21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?
22.
a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?
b) ...that you don't like?
c) ...because it's too frustrating?
M&M Evolution theory
M&M's: The Theory of Evolution
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing
them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I
eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer
blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a
race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the
modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or
flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on
very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species
continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the
herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in
an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ
17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for
breeding purposes."
Bad convenience foods
The Eight Worst Convenience Foods
And I thought nothing could top Hormel's pickled eggs ...
8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is
even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ
is reputed by its fans to have medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C,
cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure
being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing
about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package
label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing
is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing,
which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to
clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single
serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol
intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully
features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size
(think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a
quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what
constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off
the bone."
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but
over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes
disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a
country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food
Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack.
Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's
blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted
herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be
particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph
was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want
to end up as a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you
for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of
conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and
gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike
clams on a whole new level.
Food laughs & humor
From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75
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Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:
NEW
IMPROVED
Made the old
fashioned way
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Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."
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Heard on a radio station.
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
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Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
A: Just spell "Evian" backwards!
Purchasing a turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,
but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Food quotes and quips
Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . .
"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you
get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom
licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." --
Miss Piggy
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the
family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam
Levinson
"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't
say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen
"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789
pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma
Bombeck
"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills.
Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead."
-- Woody Allen
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin
"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." --
Enrico Caruso
"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can
get." -- Robert Orben
Placing your order
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant,
waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD
a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Wise cooking advice
This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any
cookbooks.
While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you
contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two
smoke detectors going.
Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans,
and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.
Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the
windows) and serve the food.
By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you
can't fail to exceed!