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Scottish Cheapskates
A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking.
He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case.
Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared,
and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet.
He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!'' '
Lunch Break
There were three men working at the top of a building. One was Chinese, one was
Mexican, and the other one was Polish.
At lunch they went to the edge and the top of the building. The Mexican guy
pulled out a taco and said, "If I get another taco tomorrow, I am gonna jump off
this bulding."
The Chinese guy pulled out fried rice and said, "If I get fried rice tomorrow,
I'm gonna jump off with you."
The Polish guy pulled out a ham sanwich and said, "If I get another ham
sandwich, I'm gonna jump tomorrow with you guys too."
The next day the Mexican guy got a taco, so he jumped off the building. The
Chinese guy got fried rice, so he jumped off. The Polish guy got a ham sandwich,
so he jumped off.
The next day their wives had a triple funeral. The Mexican guy's wife was
crying, and she said, "I could have made him a burrito or something."
The Chinese guy's wife was cring and said, "I could have made him some sushi."
The Polish guy's wife couldn't stop laughing. The other's asked her what she
thought was so funny, and she replied, "My husband always made his own lunch."
The Pizza
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese
food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he
can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened,
and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The
businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?''
The delivery man bows deeply and says, ''We put on the pizza what you ordered,
pepper only.''
Egyptian Pick-Up Line
What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?
"Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy!"
Going to Heaven?
Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he
sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do,
Father." "Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."
He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?" And the man
answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing." "Then ye must get
out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.
Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man.
"Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest. The man looks at his
half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father."
"You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to
Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously. "Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I
certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"
Newfie Airplane Crash
Canada's worst air disaster: Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a
small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central
Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Hotels
What's the difference between a hotel and a fanny?
You don't have to leave your bags outside a hotel.
Russian Beauties
What do you call a beautiful girl in Russia?
A tourist.
Bosnian Lingo
They say that it's tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses: six
past, one present, and no future.
K-Marts in Afghanistan
Did you know they are taking out all the K-Marts in Afghanistan?
They are putting in TARGETS!!!
The Polish Passenger
A Polish man was taking a flight on a commercial airliner. The airliner had 4
engines, which is quite normal. About an hour into the flight, a loud BOOM
occurred.
The flight attendant came over the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we
have blown an engine, but there is no need to worry. We still have three
engines, I repeat, we still have three engines."
Everyone stayed calm.
About another hour later, another boom.
The flight attendant comes over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have
blown another engine, but there is no need to worry! We still have two more
engines to go!"
The people stayed calm.
An hour later, the same situation. Now only one engine remained.
Then, the Polish man stood up and said outloud, "Man! If this keeps up, we could
be up here all day!"
Top 10 Reasons to Live in
Ontario
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool
city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
Big Red
A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man
felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied.
"No I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were about to have a major
argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor
communist party official walking towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its
officially raining or snowing." As the man approached the husband said:
"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on. But the woman insisted.
"I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly said, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Rastavirgins
What do reggae bands and virgins have in common?
They both have hymen!
Teepee
Q: What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea?
A: He drowned in his teapea.
Irish Abortion Clinic Joke
Have you heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
There's a 12-month waiting list.
He Has Four Balls
A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each
other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When
they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American
pastime: baseball.”
So the next day the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to
the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man
bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate
and got walked. The man said, “Are you understanding this game?”
The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls
the ball at the first man and he hits it. Then he hurls the ball at the second
man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing. And then the
third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and
he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands
there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls
the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place
where the other man was standing.”
Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four balls.”
The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”
Cubano
What is the Cuban national anthem?
''Row Your Boat!''