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Ventriloquist and the Polack
A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk
polack confronted him, ''I'm sick of your polack jokes and I'm going to knock
the shit out of you.'' ''I'm sorry, it was all in good fun,'' replied the
comedian. The polack retorted, ''I was talking to little asshole on your knee."
Irishman Drunk and Falling Down
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said
that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his
face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl
outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat
on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed
to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So,
you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Irish Cream
3 Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity.
So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a naked
chick. She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes
'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower. So she
dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes
'ding-ding!'
"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she
goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesnt ring. The woman nods.
"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."
"Ding-ding!"
Culture Shock
Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference
between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he's heard that
people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat
dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"What part did you get?"
Think You're Secret Agent
Material?
Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI
agent tells the first man, ''To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and
give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and
shoot her with this gun.''
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ''Sorry, I can't do it.''
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he
told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks
out. ''Sorry, I can't.'' he says.
The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the
test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots,
silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man comes out of the room and says, ''Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so
I beat her to death with the curtain railing!''
Confucious Quotes
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.
Blonde in a Swimming Race
A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the
English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the
blonde never finished.
When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale
or anything, but the other two used their arms.''
Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first
writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a
new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been
a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with
disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the
Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece
of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother
again..."
American in Mexico
There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking
around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'
The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the
only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him
stop."
The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog.
The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."
Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and
says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"
Top 10 Reasons to Live in
Candian, B.C.
1. Weed
2. Vancouver: 2 million people and two bridges
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. A university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10. Cannabis
Drinking Buddies
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends.
During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on,
the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey
over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last
time.
“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”
Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”
Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”
”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.
“And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle
of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years
now?” said Pat.
“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.
''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.
“And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.
“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter
it through my kidneys first?”
English Patient
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.
Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the
bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note
into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and
immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something
he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
English Patient
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.
Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the
bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note
into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and
immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something
he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
New Words
A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes
to the airport and learns "take off." Then he learnes "zebra" from the zoo and
"baby" from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, ''Mommy, I learned new
words today.'' She says, "Great, honey what did you learn?" He says, ''Takeoffzebrababy!''
A man with a pegleg, hook hand
and...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped
in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
The Train, the Soldier and the
Poodle
After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front.
He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty
one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it. He said,
“Please, madam, I'm very tired. May I please sit here?” The lady replied, “No.
My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”
The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back
to the same seat next to the same woman and said, “Please, Madam, I have been
fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I'm very tired. May I please
sit here?” The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have
already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.” At that,
the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.
An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American
soldier and said, “You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong
side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you've thrown the wrong
bitch out of the window!”
It Ain't Margarita
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A Dry Martinez!
The Greedy Texan
Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet. One's a Texan, one's a Mexican,
one's is a French man, and the other is an Englishman. A radio transmission says
to throw out all the luggage because there is too much weight to land. So they
do. Then they get another transmission that says three will have to jump out
because there is still too much weight. So the French man goes to the door and
says.'' Viva Le France.'' and he jumps. The Englishman says,'' Long live the
King.'' and he jumps out. So the Texan and the Mexican go to the door. They look
at each other, and the Texan grabs the Mexican and throws him out the door and
says,'' Remember the Alamo!''
Farm Fugitives
A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a
shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went
into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he
saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack
with his gun. The Englishman inside said...''Meow''.
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got
off said....''woof''.
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to
say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said.....''potatoes!''
Bird and Bloke
Bloke: Would you shag me for a million pounds?
Bird: Yes.
Bloke: Would you shag me for a fiver?
Bird: No, what do you take me for?
Bloke: I've already figured that one out. I'm just figuring out the price.
Flies In The Beer
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of
Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one
lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and
shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"