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German Windbreaker
What do you call "fart" in German?
Farfrompoopin!
Rules of the South
Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't
worth cooking, let alone eating.
Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the
two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a
four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular.
"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless
it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you
either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy".
Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this
expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of
dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way.
These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact,
if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may
rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's
windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It
does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're
supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to
be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind
that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be
displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In
either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far
more Yankees than Southerners living there.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the
middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle
known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the
vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it
yourself.
Top 10 Reasons to Live in
Saskatchewan
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense
The Potty Wisdom of Confucious
Confucious say, 'It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on!'
We're Studying Hard
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a
man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over
$1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is
larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on
the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was
incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million,
the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than
the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct
their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So,
after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around
$75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the
shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
Irish DUI
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically.
He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub
where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour'
and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for
a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way
home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat
until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The
officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car
and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
Greg Norman
Why do women like making love to Greg Norman, the Australian golfer?
Because he always finishes second!
Top 10 Reasons To Live In
Newfoundland
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a
dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered
flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day
Runny Noodle
This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney.
About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly,
took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a
little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly,
grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to
shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm
definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as
before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in
front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition,
"Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."
New Yorker
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a
shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter.
The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?''
The Russian says, ''What's a steak?''
The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''
Top 10 Reasons to Live in
Alberta
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
Top 10 Reasons to Live in
Alberta
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
Shine On, You Crazy Fratboy!
How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.
Beer Brothers
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip
one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them
cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're
low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and
one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd
still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too
and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the
guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes
in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender
sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry
that one of your brothers died."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."
Bungee Jumping In Mexico
Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of
the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his
friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.
Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and
bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back
pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the
cord too long?"
Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a
pinata?"
Fly In My Guinness
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of
Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land
in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and
demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long
swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his
fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
The Businessman's Medical
Problem
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange
growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been
screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut
it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know
how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country.
This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
Linguistic Lapses
In a Bangkok dry-cleaner's shop: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.
In a Copenhagen airline office: We take your bags & send them in all directions.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend your afternoon
having a good time.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride own your own
ass?
The Aging Explorer
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary
explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening
experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of
India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me.
Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us.
I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt
toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
Meeting the Irish Ma
A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship had
gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.
So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the family
(17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room table.
The matriarch or the family asked the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is
your occupation?"
The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family
members who splashed her face with water. Finally, she regained consciousness,
returned to her seat. Soon, the family calmed down and resumed the meal.
At that point, the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I
heard you correctly.... what is your occupation?"
Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."
The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you
said you were a Protestant!"
Foreign Policy
There are three men in the bathroom, two Englishmen and an Australian. All are
at the urinals.
The first Englishman zips up and walks over to the sink and uses a lot of soap
and water and before he leaves. He says to the others, “In Yorkshire, I learned
to be clean and neat.”
The second Englishman zips up, walks over to the sink and uses much less soap
and water but is still very clean. He says, “At Bredford Academy, I learned to
be clean and neat but still be environmentally aware.”
The third man zips up and heads straight to the door.
The Aussie says over his shoulder, “In Australia, we learn not to piss on our
hands.”