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New Canadian Flag
Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to
a marijuana plant.
That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.
Baseball for Scotsmen
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country
and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and
roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The
Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding
fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his
embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
Medical Miracles
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical
technology. He said, "We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put
the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work."
An Englishman said, "We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart
out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks."
The Irishman says, "That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into
another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks."
The American says, "Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of
Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin' for work!"
Mexican Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over
his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard takes
the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but
sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there
is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's
shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain
nothing but sand.He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on
his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan
doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving
me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me,
what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Who's Egg Is This?
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up
one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw
that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next
door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the
Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following
actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up.
Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up.
Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the
Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he
could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and
howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said,
"Now it's my turn to kick you."
"Keep the goddamn egg."
Nasty Eskimo
A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.
So the man said, “You blow a seal?”
And the Eskimo responded “No. That''s just frost on my mustache.”
Scot Got Naught
A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how
they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife
had an idea.
"I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we
can say we don't have enough money even for knickers!"
Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the
English wife's husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When
the Irish wife's husband noticed, he gave her his credit card. The next day,
they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English
wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still
in rags. The other two demanded to know what had happened.
"Well," said the Scottish wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I
wasn't wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave 40p to get a comb!"
Get Your Ire Up
Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman
sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second
decided to try.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third
man knew he had the solution.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."
Taliban Poetic Justice
My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well, this sounds good to me. It would
be true poetic justice:
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his
comrades to take hostages to demand his release. Therefore, I suggest we do
neither.
Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever covertly capture him, fly him to
an undisclosed hospital, and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change
operation.
Then we return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.
Gay Irishmen
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
Don't Welsh On Me
Why do the Welsh shag sheep on cliff edges?
So the sheep push back harder!
USS Lincoln
Transcript of the actual radio conversation of a us naval ship with Canadian
autorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course
15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of
a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canadians: No. I say again, you
must divert your course. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln,
the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied
by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that
you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees
north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Top 10 Reasons to Live in Quebec
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out
next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the ''Anglo bastards''
Top 10 Reasons To Live On Prince
Edward
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass
bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on ''Road to Avonlea''
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the ''Anne of Green Gables'' house, then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night
40 Things Never Said By
Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
Cows In Government
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations
say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them,
and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the
government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell
you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it
takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then
it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
One Too Many
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand
one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh
air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the
four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls
flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches
his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself
upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his
head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
''So, you've been out drinking again!!''
''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.
''The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again.''
Top 10 Reasons to Live in
Manitoba
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like ''Flin Flon'' and ''Winnipeg''
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still ''friendly'' even when you cut
someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by
Did you know that Rita McNeil
has a tatoo of ...
Did you know that Rita McNeil has a tatoo of Canada on her butt?
Ya, every time she bends over Quebec seperates!
Motor Pool
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how
many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten
utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around
in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.