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Those Darn Kids
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were sitting in the pub discussing
families. The talk turned to children and each was surprised to find out that
they all had 14-year-old daughters.
The Englishman explained that his problem was that he had found cigarette butts
under his daughter's bed, “I didn't know she smoked,” was his lament.
The Frenchy then proclaimed that he had found whiskey bottles under his child's
bed. “I was not aware that she drank,” he moaned.
The Irishman was adamant that he had the more pressing problem -- he had found
condoms under his darling daughter's bed. “I didn't know she had a dick,” he
wailed.
David Beckham Redux
What do David Beckham and a Cartier watch have in common?
They both come in a Posh box!
Bedouins
Two Bedouins were in the middle of a desert. When one gets something blown into
his eye. His companion takes a look at his eye for him and says, “Hold still
Abdul, it might be sand.”
Mexican Restaurant Specialty
A couple go to Mexico City for vacation and go to a famous local restaurant.
They ask the waiter's opinion about what to order, and he tells them they have a
special each Sunday that's wonderful, so the couple orders that.
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with
two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping; it smells delicious and
tastes even better.
The couple are delighted with their meal and ask the waiter just what the
fabulous meat dish was. "Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the
bullfights, and that was the bull's balls you ate.
The couple are a bit taken aback by what they had just eaten, but it was
delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns back in Mexico City and decide to go to the
same same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving
dish and places it on the table. But this time there are two tiny pieces of
meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, "excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish,
it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this one so small?"
The waiter smiles and replies, " Well you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!"
Euro-English Instead of German
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached
to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather
than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan
for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's'
will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve
this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will
this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent
shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z'
and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords
kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations
of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem
vil finali kum tru.
Saddam Hussein
What did Saddam Hussein have in common with his father?
Neither knew when to pull out!
Osama Bin Laden's Halloween
Costume
What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween?
Dead.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an
Irishman
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it
as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer
and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
Osama's Ride
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they
stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and
looked at the camel's butt. Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you
doing?"
Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two
assholes on that camel.'"
Santa Singh
A GOOD ONE... enjoy.
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always
died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical
condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with
the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to
investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few
minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward
to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the
evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....
Scroll down for what happened...
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the
life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
German Virginity
What's German for 'virgin'?
Goesintight.
What is the word 'non-virgin' in German?
Brokenhymen
Dirty Swiss
Q: Whats brown and has holes?
A: Swiss shit.
The Deserted Island
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people
are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French
woman, 2 German men and 1 German woman, 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman, 2 English
men and 1 English woman, 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman, 2 Japanese men and 1
Japanese woman, 2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman, 2 New Zealander men and
1 New Zealander woman, 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman, 2 American men and 1
American woman. One month later, the following things have occurred....
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together, having
loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the
German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning
and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish
woman and they started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian
woman, who called them both “bloody wankers” and is checking out all the other
men.
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort
of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied
in that at least the English are not getting any.
The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinions and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is mproving. The two American men have committed
suicide.
Mirror, Mirror
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it
only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day,
a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out
the mirror. The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm the
prettiest woman on earth."
"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.
"I think--"
"POOF!"
The Best Pub
A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing
the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands
where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not
impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a
drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly
impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin
there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when
the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and
Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He
replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.''
What a Scotsman Wears Under His
Kilt
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large
amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against
a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him,
one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore
nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him
for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the
Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of
nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied
blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been
laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
Religious Views of the World
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucious says, shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Native American: What is the medicine of shit?
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Pantheism: It's all the same shit.
Atheism: I don't believe this shit. Agnosticism: What is this shit?
Inventions by Idiots
1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.
german
Q: How do you get a German out of the bath?
A: Turn on the water.
Heaven vs. Hell
One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.
After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a
question.
“God,” he said, “What is heaven like?”
God replied, “Well, normally I don't tell people this, but since you are my
servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the
best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will
be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the
mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!”
The man looked pleased. “What is hell like?” he asked.
“Well,” he said with a sigh, “the French will be the mechanics; the Italians
will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the
policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.”