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Beer Machismo
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the
brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I
have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."
The bartender gave him the drink.
Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."
The bartender proceeds with the order.
The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."
The bartender gives him an Amstel.
Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."
The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.
All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"
He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."
Handbags
The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big
department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store
is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local
police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs,
that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store.
However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their
handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these
three found in the store?"
The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of
the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the
policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit
in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and
rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of
cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl
smoked."
The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of
scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."
The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the
contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All
dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."
2 Canadian Guys
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden
gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.
"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the
ladder."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and
you can climb down on the beam of light."
"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm
halfway there."
Canadian, Eh?
There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking
through."
"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a
name out of that."
"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."
"N, eh."
"D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...
Celtic Mortality
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
An Egyptian man is walking...
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to
him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
The Three Astronauts
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was
American, one was Russian, and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them
to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take
along books to learn how to speak German, whilst the Russian decided to take
along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to
welcome them home. First came the American and his wife, and each of them had a
baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both
gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.
Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to
the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked, "Has anyone got a friggin' match?"
Blonde lumberjack
This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met a
foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the
foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out
with the Chainsaw and did her best.
She came back sweating like a pig. ''Christ, how many trees did you cut down?''
asked the foreman.
''6'' she replied.
''What!? You have to do beter than that. Get up earlier tommorow.'' The foreman
said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night
exhausted.
'How many this time?'' asked the foreman.
''12'' she said.
The foreman says, ''That does it. I'm coming out there with you tommorow
morning.''
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, ''This is how to
cut down trees really quickly.'' He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives
off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically. So he
asks her what's wrong. She replies, ''What the hell is that?'''
The Chinese Workman
A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He
gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman
to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow
to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman
having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give
them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the
workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him
going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is
getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells,
"SUPPLIES!"
Blonde State of Mind
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!"
Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."
Rebuilding New York &
Afghanistan
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera
television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in
further war. I can see total peace in the future!"
George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"
Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and
beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and
wonderful."
George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for
the future of Afghanistan... I see a house here, a house there, a small building
here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the
street."
Osama asks, "And what do they say?"
George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
Greeting the Queen
What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill
Clinton?
You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.
You Might Be A Redneck...Riviera
You might be a redneck if you think the French Riviera is a foreign car!
Kill the Anthropologist
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to
himself, ''I'm screwed.''
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the
chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body.
Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''
Drinking Buddies
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City.
They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So
where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both
finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says
to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin.
What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins
getting sloshed again."
A Meal To Die For
There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. They all worked on the top
of a cliff and the Englishman said, “If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow
I'll jump off this cliff!”
The Irishman said, “If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff!”
The Scotsman said, “If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the
cliff!
It was the next day, and they all had to jump off as the Englishman had cheese
the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman had jam!"
A week later, it was the funeral and the Scottish lady and the English lady
said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like what we put in their
sandwiches?"
And the Irish lady said, “I dont know why my husband jumped off the cliff he
made his own sandwiches!”
Terrorist Bloodshed
How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
Terrorists can be negotiated with.
Sharing
A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a
train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the
window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the
window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."
Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...
Big Family
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment,
my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight
siblings and me -- all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of
us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our
entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, ''do all these children and this
luggage belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''
The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons,
contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''
''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used
them by now.''
Get You With The Nine
A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack
her.
She screams, ''Nein! Nein!'' So two guys walk away.