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Tiff With Riley
''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on
a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have
had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''
Big 'n' Green
What's green with 20,000 assholes?
A St.Patrick's Day parade!
Gypped Gypsies
Why can't gypsies have children?
Because their husbands have crystal balls!
Whipping the Foreigners
Once a Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sentenced to be whipped 100
times. They had the option to make it less painful by putting anything they
wanted on their backs. The Frenchman, knowing alchohol eases pain, asked to have
French beer on his back. The Englishman did they same with English beer. But the
Irishman asked to put the Frenchman on his back!
Ethnic Joke
How does every ethnic joke start?
By looking over your shoulder...
Just Like Mama Used To Make
Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?
So he could look like his mama.
English Football Joke
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Kilts Are Awesome
Why do scotsmen wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away!
Self-Explanatory
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Vampires
There were these two vampires talking. One says to the other, ''I heard on TV
that wine is good for the health.'' The other one said, ''Well, let's go to
Italy, the Italians drink wine.
So they go to Italy, stand on the bridge and wait. A woman walks by. They
vampires kill her, drink her blood and throw the body over the bridge. A few
minutes later, a man walks by. They kill him, drink his blood and throw his body
over the bridge. Then another man comes along, and they kill him too.
Just as they were about to throw the body over the bridge, they hear a voice
singing. The two vampires look down to see an alligator under the bridge
singing, ''Drained wops keep falling on my head.''
The Scott's Pocket Watch
These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an
expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the
watch.
"Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."
Irish Spring
What's Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture!
Irish Fun
Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?
They were riverdancing.
I'm Only Tribute Drinking
A man moves from Ireland to New York City, leaving two of his best friends
behind to make it in America. To keep their tradition of nightly drinks alive,
every night he goes into an Irish-style pub and orders three pints. The
bartender, after a month of this, becomes curious, and asks the man what he's
doing. Touched by the story, the bartender has the 3 pints ready for the man
every time he comes in. One day, the man tells the bartender to only give him 2
pints.
"My condolences," says the bartender, thinking that one of the man's friends has
died.
"No, no," says the man, "they're both still alive. I've just quit drinking."
Sardarji Editor
A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to
Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was
the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's
coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech.
Annoyed by the event, the next day in the meeting, his first point towards
improvement of railway department was: "There should not be last coach in any
train."
David Beckham
What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
Olmos Dunn
A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just sent
her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn't called since he was there, so
she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a big white
house so she told him that.
When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big
white house. Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, ''It is in the
middle of the park.'' So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the
center.
He knocked on the door and said, ''Are you Olmos Dunn?''
A voice came from inside, ''Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper.''
Bin Laden's Ruski Proposition
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!
Osama's New City
What's the capital of Afghanistan?
KABOOM!!
Made in Canada
A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had
from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French
coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into
a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms?
French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum.