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Chinese Phone System
Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China?
A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always
Winging the Wong number.
Going to the Bathroom in a
Monk's Home
There was this man who really had to go to the bathroom. He went to the nearest
house, which happened to be the home of a monk and asked, ''Can I please use the
bathroom?'' The monk told him he could, so he went in. When he was in the
bathroom he heard this clink, clink, clink. When he was finished he went to the
monk and asked, ''What was that noise I heard in the bathroom?'' The monk said,
''I can't tell you, you're not a monk. You have to go to Italy for two years.''
So the man went to Italy for two years and then came back and asked the monk
again what the noise was. The monk said, ''I can't tell you, you're not a high
monk. You have to go to Italy for three years.'' So the man went, came back and
then asked the monk again what the noise was. Again the monk said, ''I can't
tell you, you're not a king monk. You have to go to Italy for four years.'' So
the man went, came back and once more asked the monk.
And the monk said, "The pipes bang sometimes. Aren't I a passive aggressive
sadist for not just telling you that in the first place? And aren't you a
sorry-assed sucker for jumping through my retarded hoops?"
Bar & Donkey
Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in
and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll
have a pint of Guiness."
Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p
please."
While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say,
you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."
Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me
'Donkey.'"
Bar: Cockney Steering Wheel
A guy walks into a pub and says, ''Can you remove this steering wheel from my
pants?''
The bartender says, ''Why is that there? Is it annoying?''
"Yes," the man said, ''it's driving me nuts."
International Beer Syndrome
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and
buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates
the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy
another mug of beer.
Irish Lamp Post
Did you hear about the Irish lamp post?
It peed on the dog.
Irish on Vacation
Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation?
A: A new bar
Siamese Twins
Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive.
Here, Chicken, Chicken
Where is the world's fastest chicken from?
Ethiopia!
Hit TV Shows in Iraq
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Matima Loves Chachi"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
"M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"Just Shoot Me"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Diagnosis Heresy"
"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Burka Baywatch"
What's A Truncheon?
Two gay men decide to get themselves chased by the police for a laugh. So one of
them offers to beef a copper, and promptly they are chased by two burly
policemen, who are very pissed off. Soon they arrive at a two way junction. They
decide to split up, so one runs to the right and escapes, and the other one ends
up in an alleyway with a dead end. Fearing a shit kicking, he jumps into a bin,
and pulls the lid over his head. 2 minutes later the police run in and one of
them pulls out his truncheon.
"Right, ya poofy wee bastard! If I find you I'm gonny ram this truncheon right
up yer arse!"
"I'm in here!!!"
Christmas Italian Style
'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda my pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wonderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
Don Santa wuz here,
And he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
Sino-Mexican Relations
What do you get when you cross and Chinese and a Mexican man?
A car thief who can't drive!
That's A Buncha Bull
A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight.
They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the
bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a
six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came
back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on
his plate. He called the waiter over to complain.
"I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."
It's Sohotta In The Sahara
There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were
caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could
each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling
what they had brought.
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat,"
said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to
drink," said the second.
"I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window."
Test Tube Baby
Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby?
A: Your dad's a wanker.
Osama Bin Lighted
How many Osamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They don't have lightbulbs in caves.
Confucious Say...People Who Can
Count
Confucious say, ''There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can
count. And those who can't.''
Aussie Tossie
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
Two Of These Things Belong
Together
What's the odd one out? 1) A lobster 2) a whale 3) a guy that's been hit by a
bus?
The whale -- the other two are both crustaceans.