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Visit to the car dealer
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home
from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as
she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself
to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks
into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He
asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with
hate or anger."
The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have
a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into
her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I
want this color sonny."
To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color.
Could I show you a nice blue one?"
"No son, I want this color."
"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?"
says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner,
thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen,
coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the
secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Fishermen on the lake
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his
wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp
came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away
and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first
time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Woman having twins
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal.
Farmer has problems
There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China,
who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought
the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who
was a sorcerer.
Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the
classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About
Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book Hing finds a
reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an
infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their
feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he
meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting
no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of
discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.
So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says,
"As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves
make feathers stick to chickens." Hing agrees, saying "Studies show that
infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens." The
influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a
single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.
Moral of the Story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming' ken couldn't get gum
tea to feather a hen."
A tribe within Africa
There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they
would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory
trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry
it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home,
they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite
some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the
tribe.
One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them
giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting
and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of
putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much.
The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.
The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Hard working Penny
Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own.
Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she
scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day,
she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise
liner - first class all the way... The cruise started off in a grandiose scale,
dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never
drank, but just danced the night away.
One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her
cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that
wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result,
Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after
about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew
realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.
Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was
a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she
wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace
mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny
saved is a Penny urned.
The stained clothes
The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I
accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.
I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been
doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain
and get it out like it'd never been there.
So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said
he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon
after work I stopped by Wong's again.
Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and,
apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his
power to expunge.
And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red
stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered
to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry
business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of
removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have
it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to
Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed
me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said
Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.
The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white."
Peddler in the village
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the
village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a
large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day
during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut
off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway
across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and
screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my
ice!"
Story of a happy dog
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis
balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog
without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.
Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from
out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his
face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person
spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that
he was pulling on a long rope. Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces,
Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he
jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. Trouser
immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then
dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul
essence from his mouth. For Trouser had learned that .... a mime is a terrible
thing to taste.
Gift for Snow White
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of
the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took
the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished
photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to
console her, said,
"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".
Monster in a village
Out far away in the himalayas there was a small village that was
constantly terrified by this terrible monster named the medecrin.
The medicrin would come down to the village once a week and eat one of the
villagers. Now, as you would guess, the population of the village decreased
greatly after a few months of this, so, the chief of the village called forth
the greatest hunter he could get and told him to hunt down and kill the medicrin.
So, after much talk, the hunter finally agreed to kill the medicrine. But the
hunter, being smart, decided he would have to trap the monster to kill it,
figuring he would get eaten if he faced it head on.
So he looked in his himalayan monster field book and found out that medicrins
like sugar, so he ordered all the villagers to dig a deep hole and fill it with
all the sugar in the village.
Later that week, the medicrine came down to the village. When it went after it`s
usual meal, it saw the pit of sugar, looked at it a moment, and then went after
another villager.
After the medicrin left, the chief called up the great hunter, and scolded the
hunter for failing, but the hunter convinced the chief to give him another
chance, and the chief agreed.
The next day, the hunter looked back to his himalayan monster field book and
found that medicrins like loons even more than sugar.
So the great hunter went out, caught a loon, and placed it in the pit with the
sugar. Now, it turns out that loons like sugar even more than medicrins, so the
loon ate up all the sugar. So, a few days later the medicrine returned on time
for it`s villager feast.
But, as it was heading for the village, the medicrin saw the pit with the loon.
The medicrin imediatly became hungry for loon, so it climbed down into the pit
and at the loon. But, as soon as it finished the loon off, it fell over, deader
than a doornail.
The moral of the story? A loon full of sugar helps the medecrin go down.
Two caged canaries
Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one
was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the
female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,
"Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"
The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"
So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again,
he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,
"I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other
first."
To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"
Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a
bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,
"Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just
learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is
untweetable."
Helping out the knight
Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark,
wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the
spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp
onwards.
After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport.
Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is
a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A
horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your
pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on
the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are
riding all our horses".
Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately.
Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my
brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"
Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The
young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She
dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size
for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is
threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.
Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a
knight out on a dog like this?"
A very happy psychic
I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what
they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I
assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public
and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested
for striking a happy medium.
Producing a new gum
Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They
were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and
didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they
simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".
The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that
counts... it's how you ply the gum!"
Party in the kingdom
In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was
being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his
castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables
were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.
Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands
clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he
walked up to the king and said, "How dare you have a party and not invite your
own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of
the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb
by huge disembodied fingers!"
The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language.
"There!", he said and vanished.
All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do?
How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally,
he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom
and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights
wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent
him on his way.
The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and
headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow
fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.
One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in
turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.
The king looked about him. "Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and
rescue us from this horrible curse?", he said.
"I will, sir!", said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before
he died.
The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he
was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he
was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow
fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldn't! Each time the tried
to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!
Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring
kingdom's wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called
the boy to him.
"How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldn't get
past them and they were killed. How could you do it?"
The boy looked up at the king and replied, "Your majesty, it occurred to me as
the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to
LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS."
Wizard in the factory
There's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was
satisfactory except that miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would
steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: "This
parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."
Painting this church
Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson
offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough
some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more
paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still
covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint
than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the
paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden
there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint
and thin no more."
Mary Poppins moved
It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a
business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves,
she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California
Mystic Expert Halitosis.
Research mammals
A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and
had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which
they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They
came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this
particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.
To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any
naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the
selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of
researchers off to gather a specimen.
It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a
single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a
bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions,
precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.
A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed,
and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The
hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest
their meal.
One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree,
and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down
the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden
appeared and arrested him for (what else)...
"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."