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Those two evil friars
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars
living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to
overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit
upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had,
through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant
that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set
forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they
encircled the village.
As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their
path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their
eminent doom? Finally, the town's elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on
the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for
help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hugh's cabin.
Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and
realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He
honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.
Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the
carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid
the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!!
The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save
the village!!!
And the moral of the story is:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A grandson's coffee
A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning
when he had made her coffee.
She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the
bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said,
"Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is
soldiers in your cup!'"
Frog goes for a loan
A frog went to get a loan at a bank.
The loan officer's name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that
he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.
He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said "this is
what I have for colateral".
She took it to the bank president and said "there's a frog out there who wants a
loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel)".
She said "do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan"? The bank
president said "why, that's a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan".
Cloning the scientist
A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The
meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat
at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute
to the advances in the field of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the
clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to
murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down and shut-up!".
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow
scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb ASS
couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's fraudulent lying scum!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of
the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New
York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."
The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the
window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists nodded in
agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act
go unchallenged.".
The police chief thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for "Making
an obscene clone fall..."
Big chess tournament
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York.
After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in
the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their
wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until
finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there
had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead
of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk
responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
Visiting the lawyer
A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in
California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.
While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female.
The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed
to escape.
He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened,
and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.
Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and
there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle
and shot the female.
So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male
ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you
that the Czech is in the male?"
Doctor goes to a bar
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed
to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
Eskimos and weevils
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to
much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
The dog and neutron
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The
bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Atoms and a Buddhist
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you
sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root
canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication
A contest and a bird
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So ... the one flies over and
the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam,
of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
The very hungry lion
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the
other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man
reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that
readers digest and writers cramp.
Jewish anthropologist
A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert
near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he
pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and
granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings
and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition.
Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do
so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been
imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle,
but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a
moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors
and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found
himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A
Benny shaved is a Benny urned."
An incredible inventor
He was an inventor of note. He created a big shoe with a phone in the
heel. Now, he thought, he could use a phone whenever he wanted. He made several
more so that he could have several shoes with phones in the house. One day, an
emergency came up and he needed a phone bad. Would you believe it, he couldn't
find a single phone boot.
Head goes to the bar
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is
just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy
takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked,
begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The
bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing,
begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The
bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with
his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The
boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
A man lost his wife
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after
he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body
this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the
policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound
lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up
again tomorrow morning."
Trying to fix a clock
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so
he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German
accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now
it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages
around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather
clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he
says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
Actors picking parts
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold
Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out
who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and
says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
Pigeon flying in sky
But baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired." His
mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and
the other end to mine."
The baby started to cry.
"What's wrong?" said the mother.
"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"