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English diction
File description: If you can read these pronunciations outloud and
quickly, you deserve a prize.
Pronouncing English
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
L.A. Math test
File description: This high school math exam gives you insight into
life in a crime-filled society.
L.A. Math test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:____________________
Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and
shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he
attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320
and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance
of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day
crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many
ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If
he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to
make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his
common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left
when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since
she spent his money?
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter
is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What
percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Easy grade change
File description: This is yet another grade change form to use if you
hate that D you just got in a class.
The universal grade change form
To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________
I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the
following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.
__5. I'll lose my scholarship.
__6. I'm on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your
exam for me.
__7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the
material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general
principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
__ Males
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Jews
__ Catholics
__ Whites
__ Protestants
__ Minorities
__ Chicanos
__ Students
__ People
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my
allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
__ mono
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ VD
__ fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted
that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.
__17. This course was:
__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper)
for this course.
__19. Other reason: __________________.
Join M.U.N.S.A.
File description: Think that you're stupid? Really stupid? Join MUNSA
to display your ignorance to all!
The M.U.N.S.A. test
Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly
"Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population
that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join
MUNSA - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.
Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even
read the question, you're halfway there already - just get someone to fill out
our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some,
good old fashioned non-challenging material.
1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE
2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE
3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:
a. z
b. b
c. d
d. TYRE
4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1
Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will
happen?
a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from
b. He wasn't in a Barber's shop, it was a Dairy
c. The Barber will ask him if he's from MUNSA
d. Tyre
5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The
first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling
50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?
a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tyre
e. Why aren't there (e.)'s in all the other questions
6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tyre
7. Mona Lisa was:
a. A dissatisfied Woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tyre
8. The cold war was about:
a. Ice
b. Autumn
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tyre
9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)
a. Tyre
b. Tyre
c. Tyre
d. Pardon?
Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition
yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking
for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you
can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How
did you do?
90 to 50: OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your
score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.
50 to -20: Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run
of the mill pleb - push off.
-20 to -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big
numbers and floppy disks!
Is 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You're a
leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and
welcome aboard!
What will MUNSA do for you?
MUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such will have much the
same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for
our "advanced" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations),
Television Dating Games, and listening to Pulic readings of Romance Novels. Also
at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy:
* Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices
* Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratces on it)
* Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel
* "Safe" relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not
exploited.
As a special initial offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which
rings an alarm if your IQ gets above 25, in time for you to go back to your
local for a couple of jugs of your favourite Weasels.
Grade change form
File description: Failing a course? Getting a grade you don't want?
Use this form to change it with ease!
Grade change form
Date:
Dear Professor,
My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:
1. There must be a mistake somewhere.
2. I was not well at the time of the examination.
3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.
4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
6. This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.
7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject
9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.
10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of
the other sections.
12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet
they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.
13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to
say anything against any other members of the class.
14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got
a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student - you just
ask any one of them.
15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded
according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.
16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were
matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my
opinions differ from those of the instructor.
17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and
therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question
18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep
and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details
and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students
19. At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive
dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.
20. It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks
are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I
am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher
mark.
Thank you,
Name:
Vending machine
File description: If you're a vendor, this form will certainly help
you with repairs and notices for buyers.
Vending machine
After many unhappy replies from our current
vending service we decided that what they
really needed was a different form letter
that was more closely tied to their true
feeling:
BFD Vending Service
Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints
about our vending service.
___ We are aware that _____________ machine
has not been stocked in _____ days.
__ We are waiting for the weekend.
__ We are out of items that have expired.
__ We're busy, don't bother us about this.
__ We don't care.
___ We are aware that the price for _______
seems high at $_______ but,
__ we have to make a living.
__ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age.
__ we charge others more.
__ we adjust it to allow for spoilage.
___ We are aware that
__ the sodas are warm
__ the milk is curdled
__ sandwiches are stale
__ gum is hard
__ candy bars are petrified
and assure you that that is
the way it is supposed to be, really.
___ We understand that
__ the bill changer can't,
__ coin return won't,
__ product selection doesn't,
and believe that
__ you should relax, it all evens out.
__ learn to live with it.
__ bring in your own change next time.
__ be happy it gave you anything.
__ quit eating so much junk food.
Thank you and Happy Eating.
Arkansas governer
File description: This form reflects the "hick" ways of some people
and the attributes that those people have.
Arkansas governer application
First name: ______________________
Last name(if known):______________
Address (where you live):_________
__________________________________
Mother's name_____________________
(also relation, i.e., sister)
Birthdate(yours):__________________
Father's name:_____________________
(if known, if not, list choices)
Color of neck:
Light Red ( )
Medium Red( )
Dark Red ( )
No Neck ( )
Year of pickup truck:_____________
List all that you have in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Dead Road Kill( )
Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city?
(Like Little Rock) Yes ( ) No ( )
How far can you throw cow pies?____
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )
Wife's name:__________________
Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( )
Sister( ) Aunt ( ) Mother( )
Neighbor's dog( )
Does your wife weigh:
Less than 200 Pounds( )
Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( )
More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is?
Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you
is your wife:
50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( )
Understood previous questions:
Yes( ) No( ) Huh?( )
All of the Above( )
What "previous" mean?( )
Color of wife's hair:
Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( )
Black( ) Bald( )
Last Elvis sighting:
Location: ________________
On what date?_____________
Can you count past five:
Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less
why on Earth you want to be Governor
of Arkansas:
________________________________
Signature ('X' if you can't write)
Customer feedback
File description: Purchase a state-of-the-art bomber? This form helps
you give McDonell Douglass feedback.
Customer feedback
MCDONELL DOUGLASS
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
Important! Important!
Please fill out and mail this card
within tee days of purchase.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell
Douglas military aircraft. In order
to protect your new investment, please
take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help
us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt.
_Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name ______________
Initial__________________
Last Name________________
Latitude_________________
Longitude________________
Altitude_________________
Password_________________
Code name________________
2. Which model aircraft did you
purchase?
__F-14 Tomcat __F-15 Eagle __F-16 Falcon
__F-119A Stealth __Classified
3. Date of purchase:
Month_____Day_____
Year______________
4. Serial Number______
5. Please check where this
product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Hijacked it using one of our spies
_Classified
6. Please check how you became aware
of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
_Was bombed by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors
which most influenced your decision to
purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one
in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where
this product will be used:
_Latin America
_South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified
9. Please check the products that you
currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:
Product Own Intend to purchase
ICBM
Killer Satellite
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Nuclear Weapon
Hydrogen/Neutron Bomb
Light Sabre
X-Wing Fighter
Millenium Falcon
Imperial Star Destroyer
Death Star
10. How would you describe yourself or
your organization? Check all that
apply:
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Islamic Fundamentalist
_Zionist
_Nazi
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell
Douglas product?
_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveller's Check
_Swiss bank account transactions
_Counterfeit $100 bills
12. Occupation You Your Spouse
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Corporate CEO
Dictator
Oil Billionaire
Drug Lord
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student
13. To help us understand our Customers'
lifestyles, please indicate all the
interests and activities in which you
and your spouse enjoy participating in
on a regular basis:
Activity/Interest You Spouse
Sabotage
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Bankruptcy
Industrial Espionage
Black Market/Smuggling
Interrogation/Torture
Crushing Rebellions
Military Reconnaissance
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction
Golf
Thanks for taking the time to fill out
this questionnaire. Your answers will
be used in market studies that will
help McDonnell Douglas serve you better
in the future -- as well as allowing
you to receive mailings and special
offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious
consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our
fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500