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It's great to be a guy
Reasons why it's great to be a guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of
someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly
hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking:
He must be mad at me.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave
you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends
you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it
across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything
different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.
Computers are female
The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future
reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your
paycheck on accessories for it.
Compare the genders
Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and
Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat
Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this
will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip
on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later,
she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the
same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years
ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love,
American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in the house.
A woman's seminars
New Summer Seminars for Women
The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
Life Beyond Shoes
Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends
How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way
Be politically correct
How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC
INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.
She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.
She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
Men advising women
Advice From Men To Women
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're
not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are
related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not
crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
Short gender jokes
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to
want to shoot it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who
can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah,
it fits right over her mouth.
Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her
sentence with "A man once told me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know
your name..."
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front
door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after
you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my
wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1) No mind.
2) No business.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said,
"Dust!"
The guide to women
A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.