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The guide for women
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then
you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
Christmas tree better
Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"
A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the
past.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it
hauled away.
A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of
your pickup truck.
Tell about a haircut
The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you
don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but
I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get
one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going
to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take
attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they
are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Short gender jokes
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be
happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing
to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate
during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a
woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage &
after.
Men writing the rules
If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"
Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those
stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done
-- not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you
saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
The bum on a street
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum
said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then
the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a
man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Discussing finances
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the
husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The
wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
A stolen credit card
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Short gender jokes
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!
Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!
What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!
Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!
What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!
Computers are male
Reasons computers must be male
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Dating hints for men
Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a
date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1
coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the
answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have
given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be
as smart as I am.
Question and answer
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment
for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good
lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him.
Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.