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Big Tongue
What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?
Well hung.
Growing Old
Three old men were sitting on a porch.
"I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one.
"I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another.
"I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up
before noon."
80-Pounder
Did you hear about the 80-pound guy with the 40-pound testicles?
People say he was half-nuts!
Hamburger Helper
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Corpsalicious!
One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the
professor said, ''There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First:
Don't fear anything.''
After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse's anus
and licked it. He then told the class to do the same.
After hesitating, they all did it.
''Next,'' the professor said, ''you have to have a key observation finger. Thus,
I licked my index finger.''
Little Green Balls
What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
Definition of Suspicious
What is the definition of suspicious?
A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber field.
Out of T.P.
A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She
starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The
bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for
you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his
mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.
She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''
The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''
The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap
in the women's restroom.''
Fire Truck
Q: Why is a fire truck red?
A: If someone pulled your hose you would turn red too.
Dinner's Ready!
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
Frosty
Q. Why was Frosty smiling?
A. He saw the snowblower coming.
Bear and Toilet
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh!
The Last Southern Virgin
What do you call a 12 year old girl from Louisiana who's a virgin?
Faster than her brothers.
Mommy, Mommy!
"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
"Shut up and eat your corn flakes."
Socks
A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a
problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one
day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk,
even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his
new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and
finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his
feet whenever he got a chance.
The son thought about this and went along happy. The same day the young lady
approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was
horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath.
The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but
easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with
this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else
and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the
others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the
wedding, happy.
The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her
with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to
find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it,
which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong. With
a look of shock on his face the young man says, ''OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my
sock!''
Roadkill
You're so ugly, you look at roadkill and it runs away!
That's Really, Really Nasty & Practical
3 bums were outside a bar.The first one went in and asked for a fork.The second
one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a
straw. At this point, the bartender became curious.
"How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?"
"Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."
Booger Wooger
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli!
Yo Mama's so Smelly... Yeast
Yo mama's so smelly, she gets sourdough yeast iinfections.
Elephant Tampon
Q: What does an elephant use as tampon?
A: A sheep.