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Grosser than gross.. underwear
What's grosser than gross?
When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall.
What's grosser than that?
When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet
Three Drunk Men
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got
at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew
chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Flies on Poo
There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly
looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"
Sex On The Beach
A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues
crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into
the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."
You So Ugly
You so ugly, your mama put you next to a piece of crap and said "Twins!"
Archeological Gag
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
Biting
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a
while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"
"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
Bed Football
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He
yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining...
when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's
the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
Gynecologist Grease Monkey
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career
change.
He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So
he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine
completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order. Our gynecologist
friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results.
The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise -- he got 150%. He
quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark.
The instructor said, “No, that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down
the engine -- a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it -- a
fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through
the tail pipe.”
Joke Written By and For Retards
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to
the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag
and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to
see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working
when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg
gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes
it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his
chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill
cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and
off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag,
and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his
friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says,
"Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a
plastic bag and he suffocated."
A GUT-WRENCHING FART STORY
A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of
marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you'll fart your guts
out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he
would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that
night.
He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long
hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my
guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM
BACK IN THERE.
Cuban Delicacy
A tourist has been visiting Cuba for a week. He is leaving the next day and he
still hasn't tried the food.
He goes to a restaurant and sits down to order and then sees what the man next
to him has. It looks very tasty.
The waiter comes to take his order and the tourist tells him he wants what the
other man beside him is having. The waiter says there is no more left.
The tourist then asks him what the meal is and the waiter replies that it is the
testicles from the bull that lost the bullfight earlier that morning. He tells
the tourist that if he comes back tomorrow he'll save this meal for him.
The tourist thinks, "What the heck, it'll be my last day here," so he comes back
the next day and the waiter has his food prepared for him when he comes.
The man eats the meal and thinks it is delicious. But he is confused about one
thing. He calls the waiter over and asks him why his meal looked smaller than
the meal the other man had the day before.
The waiter replies, "Oh, sorry sir, sometimes the bull wins."
Paraplegic
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the
paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her
nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one
day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch
was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I
can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
That Fly
What went through the fly's mind as he hit the windshield?
His Butt!
If Ever You're Choking...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some
chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken
bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is
choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and
bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches
these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up
all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls
his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver
works like a charm."
Gassy Broad
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very
embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and
her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and
gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to
make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in
the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she
had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked
beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she
figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So
she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large
orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband
seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise
for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the
table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her
promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the
phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was
becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized
the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only
loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma
pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage
cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went
on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of
her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on
her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the
picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long,
he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point,
he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table
to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
Gross, Grosser, Grossest
What's grosser than gross?
Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.
What's grosser than that?
Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar.
What's grosser than that?
When you open the refigerator and the rump rost farts in your face.
You want to know what's grosser than that?
When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner.
But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your
grandma's lap and she pops a boner.
A Definite Definition
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word
today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is
"absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She
calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of
herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky
is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is
not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and
sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely
clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."
Car Crash
A man and his girlfriend are driving down the highway. The man asks 'If I drive
100 mph, will you take off your clothes?' and she agrees. So the man drives 100
mph and his girlfriend strips. The man is so busy looking at his girlfriend that
he crashes into a tree. The car flips over, trapping the man and all of his
girlfriend's clothes. All that is free of the car is the man's girlfriend and
one of his shoes. The man yells, 'You have to go get help. Go to that gas
station over there.' His girlfriend says, 'Are you kidding me? I'm naked.'
'Well,' replies the man 'Take my shoe over there, cover up yourself, and go get
help.' So the woman covers herself with the shoe and goes to the gas station.
She says to an attendant 'You have to help me. My boyfriend's trapped' 'I'm
sorry ma'am' the attendant replies, 'he's too far in.'
Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet
rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the
neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit
into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back
into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural
causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you
hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what
happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day,
but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and
someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There
must be some real sick people out there!'