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Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their
teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said,
"I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up,
shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and
saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
Emoticons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :)
means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-(
respectively. Well, how about some "ass-cons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
Red Ring
A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a
problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around
his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that
medication you gave me?''
''Lipstick remover.''
Workplace Farting: Options
Explored
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is
the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time,
such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended
to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among
the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of
holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about
the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So
be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors
to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After
commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the
office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying
air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a
good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the
proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is
just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame.
If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it
reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the
chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly
unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to
use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend
practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in
anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and
tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could
distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings
and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all
the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in
general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have
established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the
decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a
meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above
applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you
like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option.
By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the
incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels
than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the
scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the
closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you
are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies
in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them
about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find
another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
Deep In The Fourth Quarter
Two hunters are stalking through the forest when one says to the other that he
has to take a dump. ''Well, go in the bushes.''
''What should I use to wipe my ass?''
''Use a dollar bill.''
A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his
hands.
''What happened?'' asks his friend.
''I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters.''
Dead Blonde in Closet
Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
Be Careful What You Wish For
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the
earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man
wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and
a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie,
"But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive
twice over."
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's
see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live
in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his
minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on.
He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones
standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of
the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke
and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and
waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.
"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.
"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
Broomsticks
Why don't witches wear undies?
To get better grip on their brooms.
Warm and Moist
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the
dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper.
You So Ugly
You so ugly, last time you got ass was when your toilet paper broke!
Three Gay Men
Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the
funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with
the ashes.
The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to
scatter his ashes in the sky.''
The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his
ashes in our favorite lake.''
The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump
his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.''
The Teacher's Gift
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for
their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you
know?"
“Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box.
She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again
said, “Just a lucky guess.'”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a
box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the
boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her
tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.
Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.
He said happily, “A puppy!”
The Fly
Why did the fly fall off the toilet?
It got pissed off.
Definition of Agony
Agony: a one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls.
What, No Golden Goose?
A man comes home late one night, drunk.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a
golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden
Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden beer?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinal?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who
pissed in your saxophone."
Bug's Mind
What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
It's ass.
Smart Pills
One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit.
One of the boys said, ''What is that?''
''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you
smarter.
So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''
''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''
Genetics Gone Horribly, Horribly
Wrong
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes!
Banker Joke
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open
a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to
deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million
dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old
lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."
The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just
chock full of green stuff in big denominations. This is a highly unusual event,
and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to
handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to
handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she
got so much money. She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?," he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For
example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls
will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be
willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little
old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank
without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to
cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's
no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I
can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way," said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning," said the little old lady, and with that she
left. Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a
three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president
is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night
before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending
squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times
that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady
arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat!
Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any
objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable," said the president.
"Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said
happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify
things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want
proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and
reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a
bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the
wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for
$1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank
by the balls by noon today."
Lady At the Bar
There was a lady at a bar. Every time she wanted a drink she would raise her
hand. She had very bad armpit hair.
The Bartender was getting really grossed out and told the man sitting at the bar
that next time she did that he was not going to give her a drink.
One minute later she said, ''Bartender, Bartender, get me another drink.''
The bartender said no. The man sitting there said, ''Oh give the poor ballerina
another drink.''
The bartender said, ''How do you know she is a ballerina?''
The man replied, ''Well anyone that can lift there leg that high must be a
ballerina!''