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A Prayer Before Dying
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not
screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Old Lady Shakes
An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking.
"Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice.
"Yes, ma'am."
"How do you turn them off?"
Pumpkin Pumper Pumped For Info
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon
UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County
courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of
drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around
here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview
from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to
the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon
Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer
B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to
(Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up
and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face
and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
A man with a pegleg, hook hand
and...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped
in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
Yo mama's so nasty...
Your mama so nasty, that after we had phone sex I got an ear infection!
Toothbrush Salesman
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement
for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he
calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a
neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man,
I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough”
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people
would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to
his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but
you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with
one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free
chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This
tastes like shit.”
And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
Boyfriend, Granpa and Rover
On the night of the prom, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend
is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's granpa and her dog Rover.
As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, ''Man I really
gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.'' So he does and the granpa yells
''ROVER!''
The boy thinks to himself, ''All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I
will let a little more out.'' So he does and the granpa yells again, ''ROVER!''
The boyfriend says to himself, ''All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I
think I will let the rest out.''
So he lets it rip and the granpa yells, ''Rover, get over here before that guy
poops on you!''
Jack and Jill II
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To smoke some marijuana
Jack got high
Pulled down his fly
And Jill said I don't wanna!
Church
One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through,
the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to
go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about
five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back.
There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''
Soyburger vs dildo
How's a soyburger like a dildo?
They're both meat substitutes!
DJ's First Day of School
Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she
picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his
day went.
'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I
had sex with the teacher.'
'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!'
Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his
father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in
Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!'
'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry
about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome
day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going
to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.'
'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'
The Facts of Life
A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son
turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son
I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are
doing is…”
The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He
tries again, “Son them two dogs are…” He stops again and decides to wait until
the boy is older.
“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on
the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You're
right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do
you know why that is, son?”
The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get
screwed.”
A Hooker and a Bungee Jump
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Consulting Fun
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter
who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little
strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked
around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: ''Why the spoon?''
''Well,'' he explained, ''the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting,
experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several
months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons
73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal
with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and
save 1.5 man-hours per shift.'' As we finished talking, a metallic sound was
heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the
one in his pocket and said: ''I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'' I was rather
impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I
continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string
hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters
had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me
and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: ''Excuse me, but can you tell me
why you have that string right there?'' ''Oh, certainly!'' he answered, lowering
his voice. ''Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I
mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom.'' ''How so?''
''See,'' he continued, ''by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we
can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the
need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent'' ''Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out,
how do you put it back in?'' ''Well,'' he whispered, lowering his voice even
further, ''I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.''
Yo Mama's Work Ethic
Yo mama got sacked from a sperm bank for drinking on the job!
Rosebud
There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night, the
granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing
a see-through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back upstairs
and "dress decent".
''No, I want to show off my rosebuds!'' she said and bounded out the door. The
next day, the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch
wearing a see-through blouse without a bra.
''Grandmother! What are you doing? A couple of other friends are coming over any
time now! Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!''
''No. If you can show off them rosebuds then I can show off my hanging
baskets.''
Two Old Ladies
Two old ladies are at the movies.
"Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off."
"What makes you say that?"
"He's using my hand."
You might Be A Redneck... Toilet
Y'might be a redneck, if you clean your toilet by peein' on the stains!
Incontinent Vegetarian
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
Soapy Sales
A young priest was visting a convent. One day he was taking shower, when he
realized that he didn't have any soap. He wrapped a towel around himself and ran
to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was
running back to his shower. On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two
nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a
statue. When the nuns came to him, one said, ''Look! A new soap dispenser!''
Another said, ''How you get the soap?'' So one pulled on his dick, and a bar of
soap fell from his hand. ''Look! I got a bar of soap!'' said the nun. The second
nun pulled on his dick.
''Look! I got liquid soap!''