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Gonna Marry
A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm
gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own
family, she ain't good enough for ours."
We're Studying Hard
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a
man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over
$1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is
larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on
the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was
incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million,
the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than
the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct
their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So,
after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around
$75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the
shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
Come Early And Bring Your Lunch
A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant was planning a
week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked
for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped,
but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't
bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. After much deliberation,
she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But when she
wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all
over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as
the B.C. 'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he
just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business
really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to
several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the
campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking
about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following
reply:
"Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now
take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of
the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is
quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt
you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their
lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we
had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that
right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats.
They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it
pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of
desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort,
particularly in cold weather.
If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the
first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember, this is a friendly community."
Runny Noodle
This lady is on an airplane and is seated next to a man named Ian McKegney.
About half an hour after they take off, Ian sneezed. He calmly opened his fly,
took out his penis and wiped it with a handkerchief. The lady was shocked but a
little too shy to say anything.
About 15 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and then once more opened his fly,
grabbed his penis and wiped it off. The lady could not beleive it, and being to
shy to mention it, she thought to herself, "If he does that again, I'm
definitely going to mention it."
Well, guess what? About 10 minutes later, Ian sneezed again and proceeded as
before. She turned to Ian and said, "That is disgusting! Must you do that in
front of me?" Ian apologized and explained that it was a medical condition,
"Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm," he explained.
"Really, what do you take for that?" she asked.
Ian replied, "Pepper."
Ending It All
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time
had come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the
conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through
the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart
was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was
located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
Pee Up A Rope
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of
the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp.
Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The
men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of
the best beer in the world.
With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really
angry.
"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
Avon Calling
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the
elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the
elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some
Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and
immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Maxi Pad to the Fart
What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
Fart Glossary
ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.
ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.
ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.
TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.
BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.
JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its
great escape.
DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.
GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.
HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.
SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.
TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.
OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.
BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.
ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.
NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the
person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"
U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified
Foul Odor".
The Great Wiener Caper
One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they
decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see
how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.
Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, one of the men got an idea.
He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin
drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if
they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay
for them. The man with the hot dog opened his zipper and put the wiener through
the opening. He had his friend get down and start sucking on it. The bartender
cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine
until they were dog drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and
wasted.
"Man," one of the drunks said, "I've got to admit, that hot dog trick worked
great."
"Actually," the second drunk said, "I ate the hot dog at the second bar!"
Jiggle
If your ass was any more jiggly, Bill Cosby would have to stick a spoon in it.
Night Of The Living Dead
An elderly couple are watching the 700 Club. The evangelist is getting really
worked up, and it's soon time for the healing portion of the show.
"If you believe in the healing power of the Lord, place on hand on the
television, and one hand on the part of your body that ails you!" The old man
places one hand on the television and one hand on his groin.
"Oh, don't be stupid!" says the old woman. "He said heal, not raise the dead!"
Jingle Balls
Why does Santa have huge balls?
Because he only comes once a year!
The Businessman's Medical
Problem
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange
growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been
screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut
it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know
how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country.
This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
Corn Flakes
Two brothers are getting ready for school. One boy is sitting down, having a
bowl of Corn Flakes, the other is frantically looking for an item for
show-and-tell.
''I know I put it here somewhere'' he says. He then remembers that he put it in
the kitchen for safe keeping the night before. He dashes for the kitchen and
stops at his brother, still eating his cereal.
''Hey, you found my scab collection.''
Moleasses
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole
outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out
of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.” The mama mole reached her head
outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.” The baby mole tried to
reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”
You Stink So Bad
You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret
obvious, and Sure confused.
How does herpes leave the
hospital?
How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.
Smoke Rings
Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy
said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."
The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."
The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."
The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him
do it?"
"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."