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Topless Fat Woman
One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had
lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with
her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her.
"If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the
cute little pink nose."
Nasty Eskimo
A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.
So the man said, “You blow a seal?”
And the Eskimo responded “No. That''s just frost on my mustache.”
I Nearly Pissed Myself
Bob is a regular guy out at a local bar One night having a good time, Jack, the
bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink. As he served the
drink Bob spoke up.
"Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?"
"Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind?"
"Well Jack, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your
bar and piss into it without spilling a drop."
Jack thought to himself, "This guy must be a complete moron! There's no way he
is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made." So the
bartender says, "Okay Bob. You're on."
Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the
end. He walked back behind the bar and said, "Okay Bob, Let's see what you got."
Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top,
all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and
almost fell over.
Afterwards he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. "What are you
smiling at jackass? You just lost $1,000!"
"Well Jack, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check?"
"Yeah, what about him?"
"Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls AND
you, and not only wouldn't you be mad...you would laugh hysterically about it."
Genie-wine
While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he
rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.
"I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish." The man thought about
this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was
wine.
"I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish."
"Granted." And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home
to find her husband naked, holding a glass.
"Why only one glass?" asked her wife.
"You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
Malcolm in the Puddle
Malcolm: Miss Wilson can I go to the loo?
Miss Wilson: In two minutes Malcolm. Do your alphabet first.
Malcolm: Ok Miss Wilson. abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.
Miss Wilson: Very good, Malcolm, but where's the p?
Malcolm: Miss, it's running down my leg!
The Bottom Line
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming
in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on
the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are
permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to
the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in
being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival
at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are
currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners
have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on
what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More
advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around
the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the
hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a
quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same
hole several times in one match.
Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are
permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to
the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in
being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival
at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the
entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are
currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners
have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on
what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More
advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around
the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the
hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a
quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same
hole several times in one match.
Party!
Question: If you went to a party and woke up with a condom in your ass would you
tell anyone?
Answer: No!
Response: Wanna go to a party?
The History of Cinco de Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured
in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of
call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the
largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know,
the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank,
and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about
mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the
loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,
which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each
year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
The History of Cinco de Mayo
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured
in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of
call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the
largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know,
the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank,
and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about
mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the
loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning,
which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each
year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Bull
What is another name for a masturbating bull?
Beef Strokinoff.
Gloves: Joke circa 1890
A Mismatched Pair of Gloves
A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after much
considerstion he decided upon a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
sister, he went to a department store and carefully choset a pair of white
gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties. Without checking the contents he
sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with this note.
"Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you that I have not forgotten
your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are
easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks, and they were hardly
soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I
could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will touch
them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in
them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I
hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."
He did not realize that the packages had been switched, and that he had
unwittingly sent his girlfriend the pair of panties to her sister had just
bought.
Christmas Carol Parrot
A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into
a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very
beautiful parrot.
"It's beautiful!" cried the man, "Does he do any tricks?"
"Yes he does," answered the salesman. "If you put a lighted match under his
right foot, the bird will sing 'Jingle Bells.' And if you put a lighted match
under the birds left foot, he will sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'"
"Amazing!" exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night,
the man showed his wife the parrot that he'd bought.
"Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?" asked the wife. The man
smiled and said, "Watch this."
Then he lit a match and put it under the bird's right foot. Sure enough, the
parrot began to sing 'Jingle Bells.' Then he put the match under the bird's left
foot, and it began to sing 'Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.'
"That's incredible! Does he do anything else?" the wife asked.
"I don't know, lets see," replied the man. So he lit another match and put it
between the bird's legs.
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."
M&M's
An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a
jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to
temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old
man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since
I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."
Visiting Grandma...
''Mommy, mommy, I don't want to visit grandma today!''
''Shut up and keep digging, boy.''
Pinocchio and Splinters
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do
about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with
your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
Doorprize
Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize
is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.
''What the hell is this?'' he asks the pastor.
''Why, it's a toilet brush.''
''Ooh, I see,'' says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi
how the brush is working.
''Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper.''
Nurse Nancy
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything
backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine
every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''
''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to
give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one
hour!''
All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.
''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths
boil!'''
Camoflauge Clothing
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be
imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few
months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak
out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight
hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
The Toothbrush And The Toilet
Paper
One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ''Sometimes I feel I have the
worst job in the world.'' Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
Women Pass Less Gas
Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!