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Dear Diarrhea
Didja hear that diarrhea's hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in the jeans!
You So Poor
You so poor, last time you had a hot meal was when a rich man farted!
The NEW Poopie List!
Years of straining with poopie-ing, we can only count the number of Ghost
poopies, Dangling poopies, and the beloved Surprised poopie that have passed
though our sewers! But into a new era we go - and scientists have begun a new
quest: find, contain, and label the newest addition to the infamous poopie list.
Scientists, Chae B., and Brandon W., are publishing a book on the different
types of poopies in order to let people become more in touch with their inner
poopie. They have included the old but improved poopies, and recently classified
additions to the poo family - all with bona fide scientific names!
GHOST POOPIE (ghostus poopius)
You strain and grunt for many minutes and swear you felt the poopie exited your
rectum, but to your awful and painful surprise, there is no poopie in the
toilet!
CLEAN POOPIE (cleanius poopius)
The poopie comes out, you see it in the toilet, and your butt feels as slippery
as an eel, but there is no poopie streak on the toilet paper! Also see
UPPER-CLASS POOPIE
WET POOPIE (drainiuges poopius)
Even after an excruciating 50 wipes of toilet paper and your butthole is feeling
as raw as new skin, your butt still feels unclean. You end up becoming desperate
and folding a piece of toilet paper into a T-shape and sticking on end inside
your anus and the other two following the contour of your butt. You do this for
a secure tamponish feel.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE (startulus secondus poopius)
One of the hated poopies; it occurs when you stand up after poopie-ing and begin
to pull your pants up. You suddenly have to squeeze your butt checks together as
you rip them down, slamming your butt against the seat (hurting it) and
poopie-ing to the point of relief. Also see THIRD WAVE POOPIE
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POOPIE (killus veinius poopius)
A dreadful poopie that is one of the leading causes of death in poopie-ing.
Crapping can be dangerous! The poopie makes you strain so much, you practically
have a stroke, and some people do!
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE (presidentis poopius)
The poopie is so huge, you're afraid to flush it without first chopping it up
into smaller chunks. The leading cause of the presidentis poopius is not chewing
your food well.
GASSY POOPIE (gassius poopius)
A dreadful poopie when attending a social or get-together; a very loud and
excessive blurting sound is accompanied by a shear spills of liquid poopie.
CROP DUSTER POOPIE (cropius poopius)
Occurs when walking through a room filled with people and begins with long
stream of gas and small poopie pellets.
DRINKER POOPIE (drunkius poopius)
A most noticeable poopie trait among the elderly and divorced people. Occurs
after a long night of excessive drinking and doing shots. One of the more
noticeable traits is the greenish-brown skid marks on the toilet bottom. Another
trait is the occasional poopie on the floor when sight is disrupted and the
poopier misses.
CORN POOPIE (cornius poopius)
The cornius poopius is one of the hardest poopies to poopie. During the procces
of poopie-ing, the poopier feels a bit uncomfortable due to the following
reasons: 1) The large bumps that accompany the poopie usually block rectum
passage. 2) Sometimes the corn in the poopie with scrape off inside the poopier
and clog the anus, causing great discomfort and an occasional doctor visit.
NUT POOPIE (nutius poopius)
One of the - if not THE most painful poopie in the whole history of poopi-ing
occurs when one has too much fiber and/or does not chew food finely enough. It
can cause rectum cuts and what we at the research center call 'Burn Trails.'
GEE I WISH I COULD POOPIE POOPIE (gee I wish I could poopius poopius)
A severe case among both the younger and older generation. It starts with mild
cramping in the lower part of the abdomen and then worsens. Finally, when you
get to a poopie disposal, also known as a toilet, you can't poopie! You just sit
on the john and fart and maybe get out an occasional squirt or two, but sadly,
no poopie.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE (screamus loudusly poopius)
A dangerous poopie! One that takes much effort, groaning, and gripping your
knees to the point of pure pain. When it does finally come out, you wish it
hadn't. It hurts so badly, you'd swear it came out sideways. And to prove it,
you see if it is lying sideways in the toilet. Then you go get some witnesses,
so that you'll have proof.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (splashius assius poopius)
A poopie hated by elderly and fat people, because they can't reach far behind
them to wipe them. A poopie so violent, that it splashes down and causes water
to splash your butt and the small of your back and rarely, your legs! Have lots
of toilet paper for this one people! Play it safe!
LIQUID POOPIE (waterius poopius)
A very quick poopie, but not the cleanest by far. It is characterized by
green-yellow-brown liquid like poopie that shoots rapidly from your anus and
goes everywhere.
UPPER-CLASS POOPIE (preppius poopius)
A very uncommon poopie that occurs after eating healthy foods and lots of nice
water. It doesn't stink! WTF is that? A poopie that doesn't stink! Well, it
should be in the protected ass group due to its near extinction and rare
occurrences.
SURPRISE POOPIE (shitius on thyselfius poopius)
The most hated poopie of them all. You're not near the toilet, in a crown of
people, or in a classroom and you think your just gonna sneak a little fart out
but tagging along with that little fart is a little poopie!
THE DANGLING POOPIE (klingonius poopius)
Another hated poopie. This poopie loves to attach itself firmly to one side of
your butt cheek and stay there. You try desperately to shake it off, but to no
avail. This deadly poopie is also referred to as the dreaded Klingon!
MEXICAN POOPIUS (foreignius poopius)
A party poopie! This poopie explodes like a piņata and burns burns burns. It
then continues to dribble and gurgle farts. It emits a vague picante aroma. A
stimulating albeit mushy experience indeed!
SHOTGUN POOPIE (12-gaugius poopius)
A poopie that is thought to be a fart while on the toilet, but it explodes
violently with a loud gunlike fart and at least 12 poopie pellets shoot out.
Anything in the toilet is brutally mauled.
DEAD DROP POOPIE (zombies poopius)
The biggest poopies of them all! A poopie so huge, so enormously deadly, it
takes at least a dozen flushes, some jabbing, and praying to get it down.
Referred to as the big brother of the Lincoln Log Poopie.
LITTLE NOISY POOPIE (scardius likus hellius poopius)
A poopie that is the noisiest poopie in the entire history, bigger than the
gassy poopie! Occurs after heavy drinking and bean eating. No solid poopie is
emitted from the rectum, but spatters and small chucks are. The only time these
are expelled is when a violent FART takes place. This poopie usually lasts up to
5 hours!
These are all the know poopies of man. Please look soon for the "Gauge Your
Poopie Strength Test" and "The Advanced Poopie List."
Sheep Boy
A man that lives on a farm wakes up and goes outside to find a man screwing one
of his sheep and a little boy watching. He walks up to the boy and says ''Who's
that screwing my sheep?'' The boy replies, ''That's my Daaaaaaaad.''
Toilet-Bathtub Conversation
What did the Bathtub say to the Toilet Bowl?
I may not get as much ass as you do, but I don''t take no sh*t.
Little Boy Blue
Knock, knock!
Who''s there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue blue who?
Michael Jackson.
What a Dump
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his butt.
Troubled Man
A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day
he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge
to swerve and hit her -- but he can't.
Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he
decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for
help.
So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the
car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor
about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves
toward him but misses, and the pastor says, ''Don't worry. I got him with the
door!''
Crappy Date
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and
also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage
to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like
Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make
it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running
to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn't want to cancel the date,
because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in
Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use
the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he
has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During
dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a
complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling
subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little
bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 'Oh
shit,' he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our
hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this
surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to
figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to
show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the
restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. 'Do you mind if I run in and
buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?' he asks. 'No problem, I'd like
to look around too,' she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap,
men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split
up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis.
After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings
both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on theother side of
the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't
even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date
can read lips from 40 feet away) 'Just the pants.' 'What?' asks the Gap girl.
'Just the pants!' (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: 'Oh, OK.' He pays
for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store.
They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the
middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to
the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train
departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a
ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the
Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU WOULD DO IN THIS SITUATION.
As you must have realized, the only solution is to wear the sweater as pants. So
he squeezes his legs into the arms of the sweater and pulls the rest of the
fabric tight around his waist. He can only keep himself covered by hunching
over. Walking will be a new challenge altogether. Rather than going through the
absolute trauma of returning to his seat and explaining (or creating an
elaborate lie to explain) the entire incident, our hero waits in the bathroom
until the train stops at the next station. He waits until the moment the train
starts to pull away from the station, then dashes out of the bathroom (as
quickly as a hunched over cowboy with sweater pants can dash) and jumps off the
train. He is lost and stranded somewhere between New York City and Westchester.
He hasn't seen the girl since.
Captain Hook's Death
How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!!
Sits in the Forest
What's brown and sits in the forest?
Winnie's Pooh.
Ex-Lax, Don't Do It
Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the crap out of you!
The Blue Eye
One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye
gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency
operation, was told by the doctor that he'd been given a glass eye. The man
looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his
original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged.
''I can't walk around like this!!"
"Sir," the doctor said, "there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give
you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to
the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.''
A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a
big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the
road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down
the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled
out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail...with a blue glass eye! As it was so
late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded
to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man's blue eyes, replacing
it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the
replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the
same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing
the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man
decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads.
''Excuse me, sir," said the policeman. "Do you know anything about this at
all?''
''No, constable'', said the man.
''Well, we can't figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles
with two glass eyes!''
Lose 20 Lbs. Guaranteed!
There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The
receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a
sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges,
sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him
upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day
later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again,
where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw
you."
Star Trek
Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?
A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
The Cross-Eyed Cow
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his
cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who
told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up
the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.
The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.
About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the
farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired
hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his
lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked
his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it
around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
Jeffrey Dahmer and Lorena Bobbit
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
Are you gonna eat that?
Peeing Leprechaun
A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one evening and began ordering
pitchers of beer. After a few pitchers, the leprechaun looked around and saw a
very large, mean-looking character sitting at the end of the bar. With a smile,
the leprechaun ran to the end of the bar and stood in front of this guy. He
laughed hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over the mean-looking
fellow. Looking meaner and madder than ever, he reached out to grab the
obnoxious little leprechaun, only to miss him as the leprechaun jumped up and
ran back to his seat next to his friend.
''If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again or I'll rip off your
little tallywagger!'' yelled the mean-looking man.
The leprechaun snickered and started on another pitcher of beer, while his
friend told him he thought it would be better not to harass this guy again. A
few pitchers of beer later, the leprechaun was beginning to feel pretty
intoxicated and fun-loving. Once again, he looked down at the end of the bar and
saw the same mean-looking man sitting there. The leprechaun chuckled, ran to the
end of the bar to stand in front of the same man, began laughing hysterically,
stuck out his tongue and spit all over him again. The angry man reached out to
grab the drunk little leprechaun and was successful in capturing him.
''All right, I've got you this time. I warned you before that if you came near
me again I would rip off your little tallywagger and that is what I intend to
do!''
The leprechaun laughed again and said, ''You can't do that!''
''Why not?'' asked his captor.
''Because,'' giggled the leprechaun, ''Leprechauns don't have tallywaggers!''
''Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?'' growled the angry man, ''How in
the hell do ya pee?''
''Just like this!'' laughed the leprechaun as he stuck out his tongue and spit
with all his might.
The Vampire
There was a vampire who walked into a vampire bar and asked the bartender for a
glass of hot water. The bartender asked what for, because everyone else was
drinking blood. The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said 'TEA TIME!'
Things Just Fallin' Off
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I
picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door,
and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came
off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.