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Stuttering Problem
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem. After a
thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.
Doctor: "It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is
about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and
thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering."
"Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?"
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is
a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the
six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem. The
patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much
embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it. The
doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later
the patient comes in for his check up.
Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the
operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is
one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have
before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible
to reattach those six inches.
The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says: "I dddoonnnbt
ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble!"
Still Together
One man says, ''You mean they are still together after all that crap?''
The other man says, ''Who?''
First man says, ''Your butt cheeks!''
Gross, Grosser, Grossest II
What's grosser than gross?
Ten babies in one mail box.
What's grosser than that?
One baby in ten mailboxes.
What's grosser than that?
Biting into a pickle and finding a vein.
What's grosser than that?
A cheerleader doing a split and sticking to the floor.
What's grosser than that?
A girl thinking she has crabs only to find it's fruit flies because her cherry
rotted.
Did you hear....?
Did you hear about the man who drank 5 gallons of tea?
He drowned in his teepee!
Birdie Poem
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
Streakers and Strokers
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in
only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady
had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little
old lady couldn't reach.
Caution: Condom Crossing
Why'd the condom cross the road?
He got pissed off!
A Brief Visit to the Doctor
A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for
a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''
Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."
The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:
''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''
Mustard -- A Tragic Story
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp
lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of
my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard,
picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
''Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,'' she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for
the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love
mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a
baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue
protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine
boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from
laughing so hard) my wife said, ''Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'''
Watch Where You Step
A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his
hand he's holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest
expression of relief and says, ''Whew, that was close. Look what I almost
stepped in."
OSU
An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where
a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the
procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled
it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it
out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the
guy's butt.
Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original
resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you
must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!"
Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this
astounding discovery."
When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so
he approached the table and promptly removed the cork.
Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork
in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard
thousands of assholes sing that song!"
Gross Siamese Tongue
What's grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
What's even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.
Bulimic Bachelor Party
How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!
Seek and Ye Shall Find...
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some
sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear.
She said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!'' The driver didn't
think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.
Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little
old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually
harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.
A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question
them, to find out if they knew what was going on.
He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and
stooped down to question him. ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?''
The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my
toupee and I'm trying to find it..."
The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the
middle, and mine is parted on the side!''
Skin Canoes
Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to
a gravesite next to the water.
"You have two choices of death," says the chief. "We either will kill you as a
coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose
the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes."
The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this shoots himself.
The next man, a warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as
a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the
chest.
"I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!"
Latex Gloves
A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his
fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex
glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would
stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then
dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a
finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care
taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could,
the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.
Dirty Swiss
Q: Whats brown and has holes?
A: Swiss shit.
The Injured Thumb
This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out
with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset
him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was
in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her
thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
Sons Devoted to Mom
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well
for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each
had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that
can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.
"Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have
to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go
anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The
chicken was delicious."
Chillin' Biddies
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of
the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's
arm was too short to reach.