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The Leprechaun Of The Bathroom
A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum,
there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his
teacher asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said.
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he
had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent
home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent
to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." Then his Dad
got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"
"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
Q & A...Shower
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
The Dough Boyz
How does Aunt Jemima turn on the Pilsbury Doughboy?
She squeezes his doughnuts!
Laxative Cough Therapy
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong.
His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can't find any so he gives him a
laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store. The boss
comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He
points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says,
"Look at him -- he's afraid to cough."
Little Johnny Gives to the Sick
Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt
nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn
and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see
you."
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned
to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young
face.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom.
Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK.''
THE DRUNK
There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the
bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he
would puke up his guts.
One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give
him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as
always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his
wife,''You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with
the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."
Don't Kick the Animals, Man
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you
feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you
today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The
boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother
said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick
the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not
getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the
cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
69
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53
-- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.”
Like Midgets In The Night...
What is grosser than gross?
When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice...
The Blonde and the Deodorant
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they
don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis, and would like some more. ''I'm sorry,'' says the pharmacist, ''we don't
have any.''
''But I always get it here,'' says the blonde.
''Do you have the container it comes in?''
''Yes!'' says the blonde, ''I will go and get it.''
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it
and says to her, ''This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the
container: ''To apply, push up bottom.''
Spermally Speaking
"Man," said one sperm. "When are we going to get to the fallopian tubes?"
"You idiot," said the other. "We haven't even left the stomach yet."
Carpet
A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he
was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and
discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in
the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing
it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer
and pound it into the ground so no one would know.
When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented
on what a nice job he had done.
''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your
cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen
my gerbil?''
Talking Out of Your Ass
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would fart.
Travelling Salesman Joke No. 44892
A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to
get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if
he could spend the night.
"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but
I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."
The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The
salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing
and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they
play football. The salesman didn't understand.
"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown."
The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took
an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally
he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and
let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.
"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.
"Halftime. Switch sides."
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow...
Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.
Baldy Pants
Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
So he could run his fingers through his hair!
Closest Shave Ever
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he
mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places
the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has
ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And
what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else
does!"
A Small Journey Through Hell
A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to personally escort the man
around so he can choose the section of hell he would like to be in. The first
section has everybody being burned constantly and getting a glass of water every
7 hours. The second section has everybody working hard and getting a glass of
water every three hours. The last section has everybody kneedeep in crap.
"Well, this doesn't look too bad -- and it beats being burned or working. I'll
take the crap."
"Okay," says the devil. "Everybody back on their heads."
Big Tongue
What do you call a lesbian with a big tongue?
Well hung.