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Is the wife in control?
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men
to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and
the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all
the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two
lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of
men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in
my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did
you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
Assign the punishment
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled
to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over
the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to
spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked
through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a
second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood
gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and
flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to
spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was
whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third
door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ...
Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful
woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
Assign the punishment
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled
to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over
the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to
spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked
through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a
second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood
gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and
flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to
spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was
whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third
door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ...
Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful
woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
Entering into Heaven
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
The man says, "Methodist."
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as
you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
"Baptist."
"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish."
"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different
religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think
they're the only ones here.
Making comparisons
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
Bring riches with you
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had
worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to
heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth
with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your
wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might
bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears
and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with
him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold
bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St.
Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in
here!"
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify
his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its
contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Fulfilling their requests
There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave
them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So
God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times
smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than
both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.
So God made him a woman !!
Filling in for St. Peter
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was
asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'
'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of
Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I
scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the
goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am
Saint Lucas.'
Clinton is in Heaven
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?"
inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't
hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit
perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.'
You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it
'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your
breath waiting for it to freeze over."
He's going to Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die
you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together
to go right now."
Pick Heaven or Hell
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was
tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she
was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said
St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You
see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and
we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you
want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the
woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an
elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found
herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends -
fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening
gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they
talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went
to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She
met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that
before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved
good- bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.
Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp
and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up
and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must
choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better
time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back
to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The
Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered
the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club
and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a
wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today
you're staff."
Leader of the HMO
Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when
met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on
Earth?'
The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for
free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'
St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught
educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'
St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and
replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but
you can only stay 3 days.'