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Jokes about Halloween
Some Halloween "Lessons" from
the Movie Theater!
Below, you'll find some "lessons" about Halloween, ghosts, and spooks
that you'll only learn from the movie theater!
Have a HAPPY Halloween and a great week! Thanks! -- Alex ;-)
17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if
it's really dead.
16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such
as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so
on, get away from them as fast as possible.
15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their
own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!
10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the
fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still
moving fast enough to catch up with you.
9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what
you are doing.
5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb,
crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's
just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
and last but not least...
1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the
hint and stay away!
Top Signs That You're Too Old to
Trick or Treat ...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall
over.
6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and last but not least...
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Halloween handouts
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
Teeth removing Taffy
Metamucil in a straw
Ex-Lax Brownies
Caramel Covered Zucchini
Colored Crisco on a Stick
Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
Chocolate Covered Prunes
A Handful of Red Man
Anything that ticks!
Photographer works
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was
avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by
photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only
his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the
ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy
at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the
photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Jokes about Thanksgiving and food
A geek's list of thanks
1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!
3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!
4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!
5. Be thankful your server isn't down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection!
11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!
The blonde Thanksgiving dinner
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner
without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for
herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to
eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
The football-playing turkey
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session
when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in
amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right
through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach
shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you
get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go
past Thanksgiving Day?"
A man forgot to buy turkey for
Thanksgiving
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up
when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my
wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the
freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it
out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and
brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me
both of them!"
Thanksgiving dinner prepared by
kids
A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use
of her cookbook.
Ivette - Banana Pie
You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie.
Then you eat it.
Russell - Turkey
You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees.
You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy - Turkey
You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator
and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out
and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for
half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat.
Andrew - Pizza
Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5
degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby - Applesauce
Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put
them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4
degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat
it.
Danny - Turkey
You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you put it in the oven. Then
you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Brandon - Turkey
First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up and cook it for 15 hours at
200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat
it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2
hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat
them.
Irene - Turkey
Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy. You cook it for 1 minute
and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your mom or dad cuts it and then eat.
Moriah - Turkey
First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the oven for 10 hours at 600
degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent - Turkey
You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18 minutes at 19 degrees. Then
you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn - Turkey
First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in the oven for 9 minutes and
18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven and eat it.
Grace - Turkey
First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl. Then you put brown sugar on
it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon and then you add some milk and mix
it again. And then you put it in a pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15
minutes and 16 degrees. Then you take it out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan - Turkey
First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put it in the oven and cook
it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on plates and then you eat it.
Jordan Salvatore - Turkey
First you put it in the oven for 15 minutes at 100 degrees. Then you cut it up
and then you eat it.
Jordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding
mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to
get hard. Then you eat it.
Whitney - Turkey
Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60 degrees and then you eat it.
Jason - Chicken Pie
Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and cheese and mustard and then you
mix it all together. Then put chicken sauce and stir it all around again. Then
you cook it for 5 minutes at 9 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christopher - Pumpkin Pie
First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then it is all done. And you cook it in
the oven for 12 minutes and 4 degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine - Turkey
First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5 hours and 5 degrees. Then you
cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley - Chicken
Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie - Corn
My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it. Then you eat it.
Jordan - Cranberry Pie
Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries in it. Then you put dough in it.
Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam - Pumpkin Pie
First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan and bake it at 5 degrees for
6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd - Deer Jerky
Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then you go hunting and bring it
with you. Then you eat it.
Christina - Turkey
Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43 minutes at 35 degrees. Put it
on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and make a pie with it. Get some
dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a pie shape. Put the apples in it.
Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15 minutes.
Isabelle - Spaghetti
Put those red things in it. Then put the spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the
oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey - Chicken
Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60 degrees. Then eat it.
Nicholas - White and Brown Pudding
First you read the wrapper. Get a piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Sean - Turkey
Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it out and eat it.
Lauren - Turkey
First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put it in a pan. Pour milk in
the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it
on the board. Cut into little pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7
minutes at 10 degrees. Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on
it. Put a little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia - Corn
Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put corn in. Then put it on
a plate. Then eat.
Siera - Pumpkin Pie
Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get pumpkin pie cinnamon. Cook it for
20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla - Turkey
Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the oven for 1 hour. Take it
out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin.
Wai - Pumpkin Pie
Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
Things proven to change the
course of Thanksgiving
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I
told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its
expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm
thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the
blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new
Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your
thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have
finished the speech.
5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's
not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he
comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.
6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to
exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.
Jokes about the New Year
New Year Nerd Resolutions
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T
BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD
16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my,
er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more
practical.
14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the
same time with the same person.
12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB
disk.
9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I
get from it.
6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week...
monthly, perhaps...
3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
New Year Resolutions for Pets
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in
major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll
flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is
*too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND
Cookie the Cat's Resolutions
5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in ? and visa
versa.
4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch
pad.
3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I?m in a bad mood)
2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)
and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...
1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.
Years of Resolutions..
I have worked tirelessly in setting New Year's Resolutions every
January 1st.
While I'm not always the best at keeping them, I'm consistent, and I'm sure this
year will be better than ever before.
I don't like to brag, but I thought maybe you'd enjoy seeing the progress I've
made. Here's to a Happy 2005! -- Alex :-)
RESOLUTION #1:
1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.
RESOLUTION #4:
2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2003: I will not leave Marge.
2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
RESOLUTION #5:
2002: I will stop looking at other women.
2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2005: I will stop looking at other women.
RESOLUTION #6:
2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
RESOLUTION #7:
2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2005: I will not speak to Charlie.
RESOLUTION #8:
2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.
RESOLUTION #9:
2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
RESOLUTION #10:
2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
Resolutions You Can Actually
Keep...
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet
you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish!
Enjoy! :-)
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
and last but not least...
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!