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Some Musical Christmas Advice
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to
check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not
have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you
don't want.
The first reindeer seen in a bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in
the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye,
the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and
accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think
you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell
you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in
here."
The strange Christmas scene
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed
great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop"
on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She
exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the
Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about
firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and
finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it
says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
The night before Christmas for
an attorney
Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity
festival,throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no
disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and
in form resembling, a rat; and
Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit
coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that
a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and
Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and
Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had
also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and
Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight
domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and
Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen;
and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and
Blitzen"; and
Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth
by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the
aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his
return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the
type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:
Christmas downsizing
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look
for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a
call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well
as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It
has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by
the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased
out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may
be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band
getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music
and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the
future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the
right number.
'Twas the Night before Finals
T'was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:
"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.
"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something
that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a
new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck
the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new
washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast
when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of
the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have
been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the
industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run.
I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what
would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for
the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu
knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home
with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure
you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will
have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your
skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like
this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door
in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her
the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out
that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did
for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually
smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to
buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It
will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her
friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also,
now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you
always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get
embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your
buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good
taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite,
but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking
back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this
outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not
go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its
a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast,
thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most
men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response
to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still
doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent
treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look
forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a
personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How
not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they
are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just
may stand up in court of law.
The twelve days after Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had
drowned.
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"
Revised Christmas days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being
implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the
cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In
addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well
as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was
an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management
that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their
outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of
international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may
be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply
of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new
music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom
line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day,
service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is
pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that
happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division
to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Addicted to the Web
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!
Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)
An Internet Christmas
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Your father is drunk
To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....
You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
Twelve Days of Fast Food
On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese
Twelve days Microsoft
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for
my PC
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for
my PC
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2
GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not
responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors
bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5
eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my
PC
On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints
conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and
Windows 95 for my PC
On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7
files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not
responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs
overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3
ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9
apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5
eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my
PC
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty,
10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin',
6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs,
and Windows 95 for my PC
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11
instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs
overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3
ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!