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Groundhog Day Jokes
What day is today?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I?ll bet
you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was
handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped,
two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique
delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
Valentine's Day Jokes
I just had a dream about it
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she
told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
I'm sending out some cards
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks
him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Economist Valentines
Top economist Valentine's Day cards
4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding
dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.
3. Let's raise housing starts together.
2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.
1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.
Dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're
right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped
the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up,
but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a
half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make
a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then
forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will
never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes
in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he
gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your
mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and
children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or
swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a
candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a
card
St. Patrick's Day Jokes
Jokes about the Irish
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before
morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!"
Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
Humor about the Irish
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a
pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman
sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins
drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams,
"Spit it out! Spit it out!"
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them
one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer
goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he
ordered one glass at a time.
The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved
to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the
time they spent drinking together.
The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers
at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a
hush falls among other patrons.
When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender
quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then
explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered
by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man
in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't
do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some
help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
Jokes about Ireland
Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local
policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim
asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about
five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with
relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other,
"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and
he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was
neither of us."
Humor about Ireland
Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend
named Hogan.
"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul,
Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have
99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them
and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a
budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit
the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came
and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the
last time I try that budgie jumping"
Jokes about St. Patrick's Day
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a
severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to
Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than
that"
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler
..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my
lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to
back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and
turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of
them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy
and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the
bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn
and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said
one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we
turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
Humor about St. Patrick's Day
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local
policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy
asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about
five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with
relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and
address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second
drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat
above Paddy."
Jokes about St. Patricks Day
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each
time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me,"
said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that
all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of
olives."
"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No,
Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"
Humor about St. Patricks Day
The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your
trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning
Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
Leprechaun Jokes
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking
along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops
out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says
the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a
fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all
eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming
with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England,
protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around
England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The
Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting
England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
Jimmy-Joe acquired an injury whilst tap dancing. He broke his ankle when he fell
into the sink.
Humor about Leprechauns
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh
Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old
man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't
dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!" At 4 A.M. the next
morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but
didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what
happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands
up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the
nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."
Jokes About The Irishmen
"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish
jokes."
"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engined plane flying back from a shopping
trip to Paris when the captains voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and
Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry
about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick."
Five minutes later he said, "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but
one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late."
A moment later, "Er...sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third
engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than
expected."
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick,
do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night ?"
Humor about the Irishmen
There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging
a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his
client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a
reason that the court can consider.
"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Irish Pub Jokes
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long
holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours
through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest
corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne
Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it
meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe
the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next
year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the
show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we
don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
Humor about Irish Pubs
(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a
rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin
the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a
Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...Well
have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!." Mick says to Paddy; "No
Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!
"OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I
reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the
air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North"
"Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later
Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the
English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly
direction."
Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"
Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the
Ballymun flats. Quick...Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway
One. Paddy, Responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One.
Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...But...Tell Me . How did you
know we were over the Ballymun Flats". "Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand
back in.. My Watch was Gone!"
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got
out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble
is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said
again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with
fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy
the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars
anyway."
Jokes about the Stupid Irish
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a
petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says
to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?". The man says "Sorry -
we're right out of petrol." So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low
on oil, would you mind topping that up?" And the attendant responds"Sorry, but
no oil either." The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen,
to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol
station is this ?" The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully
whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor
of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan.
One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he
yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why,
Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his
heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his
head, and it won't take half as long!"
Humor about the Stupid Irish
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He
had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the
ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop
at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the
dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a
running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling
in!"
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday
evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam
replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of
asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here
on a Sunday.
Humor about Drunk Irishmen
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so
decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited
him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running
around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of
attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The
housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best
scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and
during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After
running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced
that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered
their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these
samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient
Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.
Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they
ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely
nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even
more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in
place.
Humor about Drunk Irishmen
Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at
the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he
sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a
large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The
clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the
corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the
hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he
turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the
door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream
and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the
men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied
under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
Short Irish Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?
A: It has a 12 month waiting list.
Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Angering the Irishman
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of
the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and
said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was
a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't
know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked
over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St.
Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right.
He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder
and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."