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Jokes about Dumb Irishmen
The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind
neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a
coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.
The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned
very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a
bump that left it breathless.
"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."
"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd
have thrashed him properly."
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and
alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.
"Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
Humor about Dumb Irishmen
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the
evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had
been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings
costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the
defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. "Say," he said to the bartender,
"how tall is a penguin?"
"About two and a half feet."
"Thank God!" cried Monahan. "I thought I ran over a nun!"
Irish Marriage Jokes
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and
gave him a strong lecture about drink.
He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and
smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."
This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his
wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye
kill that blasted cat?"
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician,
and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical
operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos,
and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
Humor about Irish Marriages
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York
contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got
loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on
the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of
it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you
well fixed?"
"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do
you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
Traveling on the train
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train
went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in
the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the
train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as
if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he
had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer
and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and
actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through
a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
Funny Jokes about the Irish
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and
within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to
say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."
The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of
different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish
invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen
the joke yet!"
Funny Humor about the Irish
This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one
night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he
was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he
was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most
fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and,
somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings
of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick
and semiconscious Brendan.
"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its
own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."
To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong
and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"
Hilarious Jokes about the Irish
Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the
bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one.
"What about Finnegan?" inquired the other.
"'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's
a fine job you've had here for a long time.' 'Well, Finnegan,' said St. Peter,
'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent.'
'Ah!' said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent.' 'Sure,' said St. Peter,
'just wait a minute.'"
Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had
failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was
standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed
that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old
leprechaun.
"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to
that amount."
He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
She said, "They will be there when you get home."
He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been
granted." Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want
you to kiss me."
He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he
thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again
and again.
She said, "What age are you?"
He replied, "I'm forty."
She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in
leprechauns?"
Hilarious Humor about the Irish
"And how's yer wife, Pat?"
"Sure, she do be awful sick."
"Is ut dangerous she is?"
"No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!"
"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so
much, his wife left him!"
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
Amusing Jokes about the Irish
Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not
thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One
morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the
subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a bus to Yuma,
Arizona.
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They
say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot.
Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and
whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."
Amusing Humor about the Irish
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom
could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and
settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept
sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.
She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head
appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let
me go home."
"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked
at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh.
"I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
Irish Religion Jokes
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have
sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"
"All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, finish off the
stations!"
Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.
Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started
to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.
Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought
that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I
stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?'
And he dropped the darned thing and ran."
Irish Laughs
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she
said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for
my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant
drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending
so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One
night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband
coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your
sister."
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a
humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
Clean St. Patrick's Day Humor
In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross
examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they
stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."
In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the
small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."
History of the Bagpipes
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the
Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
Clean St. Patrick's Day Jokes
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get
out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy
vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi
responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his
coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi
takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell
the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin'
them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood
that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was
hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As
Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said,
"Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do,"
says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.
Service for Your Dog
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except
for a pet dog he for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the
dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the
church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece,
and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the
animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to
donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
Jokes about the Fighting Irish
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
It was general question time on the "Top of the World" quiz show and the host
first asked the Hungarian contestant:
"Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a ...."
The Hungarian answered quickly: "Station - S T A T I O N."
Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question:
"Old MacDonald had a ...."
"Ranch," was the reply, "R A N C H."
Finally the Irishman was asked the same question:
"Old MacDonald had a...."
"Farm," the Irishman proudly stated.
"Correct," said the host. "Now spell the word farm."
The Irishman thought for a moment. "E I E I O."
Irish Religion Humor
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die
you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together
to go right now."
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been
stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and
he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood
from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."