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April Fool's Day is a day for all of us to have
some fun and play a few jokes on our friends or even on strangers.
Newspapers, radio stations, and even large companies have their share of fun, as
well. The below stories will illustrate what I mean. Thanks, and enjoy! -- Alex
:-)
April Fool's Day at Its Best ...
Hold Up Your Credit Cards!
Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard
to get one for the kiddies.
A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get
Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.
The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university
and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the
field.
People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a
telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the
price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.
People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.
Cleaning the Phone Lines!
One radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They announced that the
phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon.
They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station.
The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the
telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house.
Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic
bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their
belongings.
Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio
station retract the original claim.
Draining a Beer Truck
KFMB-AM, a San Diego radio station, announced that a beer truck had jack-knifed
and could not be towed away until the beer had been removed from its tank.
Over 100 people showed up at the site where the accident was supposed to have
occurred to help drain it.
and last but not least...
Who are the biggest "Fools" of them all?
Can you imagine working at this outfit. It has a little over 500 employees with
the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.
Yes, you guessed it! It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The
same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us
in line.
Food one-liners
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission
Chips."
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her
stack.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring
curry.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley
of the Dills.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
In the interest of time, we all tend to rush
through our work. Sometimes, we'll make a mistake or two in doing so.
As you can see from the real-life bloopers below, sometimes the mistakes we make
can be silly, strange, and often very funny! Enjoy, and thanks! -- Alex :)
Real Church Bloopers...
? Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
? Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
? For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
? Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
? This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an
egg on the altar.
? Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward
and get a piece of paper.
? A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
? At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
? The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the church basement Friday.
? Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
? The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
? Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
? 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
? The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
join the choir.
? Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for
the girth of their first child.
and last but not least...
? Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Short Age Humor
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
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I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or
92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
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When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your
weight and the captain of your bowling team.
Do you go to church?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my
friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
Real advertisements 06
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in
various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk
will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my
little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg
on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward
and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen
in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
Mother's Day Jokes
Parents evolution
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own
experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as
you have more children:
Feeling the Baby Move
First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two
months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon
hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We
called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly
ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter
to our family.
Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during
the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the
telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third
quarter, I finally felt the baby move.
Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said
"Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear
that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a
delivery.
The Trip to the Hospital
First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the
hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat
surrounded by pillows.
Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty
minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned
back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.
Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular
contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the
hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.
Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having
contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I
would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was
working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.
The First Step
First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife
took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place
and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture
blown up to 24" X 36" and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a
professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour
documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.
Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next
day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing
center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.
Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left
on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got
the roll developed.
Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so
the child wouldn't grab it.
The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut
First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up
and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the
night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.
Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up.
We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.
Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes,
we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop
crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went
on about our business.
Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he
stopped crying.
Prison Versus Housewives
In prison, you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread
more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little
Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.
In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and
get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry
about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty
years.
In prison, all your medical care is free.
At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers
for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then
say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after
your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your
own space all day.
At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what
the heck is free time again?
In prison, you get your own personal toilet.
At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep
from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're
done so you can do something for them.
In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get
yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.
In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.
In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure
nothing is missing.
At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then
wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.
In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to
do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
At the public pool
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in
the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young
children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
Mother-in-law killed
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried
to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly,
non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them
at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally
making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the
farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her
demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake
his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what
that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would
nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that
mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a
year.'"
A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the
children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained
carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children
in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those
familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."