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This fun page is for all of the mothers of the
world who lovingly try to teach their kids some of life's most important
lessons.
In the end, little brats just end up growing into bigger brats without learning
a thing, but hey, at least mothers try their best to teach them something along
the way! Thanks, and enjoy the jokes! -- Alex :)
My Mother Taught Me About...
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And last but not least...
12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll
see what it's like!"
Thoughts and quotes
The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your
grandson.
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Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is
not necessary to human life.
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Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything
to do with it.
Like Father, Like Husband?
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers,
it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
The family of potatoes
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and
her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her
eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting
married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married!
That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up.
"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with
conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news
in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine
tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future,
when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I,
too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her
eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am
getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely
daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying,
Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common
tater!"
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we
did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within
twenty miles of home, so we moved.
Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived
here took the numbers with 'em for their house, so they wouldn't have to change
their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled
the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the
second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too
heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final
payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if
it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he
fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the
other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and
swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this
letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
You Know You've Turned Into a
Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and
forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention
what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts
to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager
say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult
conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to
cut up his steak!
Evolution of Mom
The Evolution of Mom
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby.
Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your
first:
Your Clothes -
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms
your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name -
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing
combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It
might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger
falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth -
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette -
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold
them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the
ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries -
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities -
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story
Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out -
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5
times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home -
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Mom would never say
Things Mom Would Never Say
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him
every day"
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a
prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"