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Father's Day Jokes
Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for
directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned
car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like
that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for
you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to
consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey
thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a
mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now
quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium.
Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did
have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.
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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the
vacation home.
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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in
the video camera.
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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an
icicle.
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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to
teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.
Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time
for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's
time for hockey practice."
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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the
supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at
gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing
in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU
HAVE A MINUTE.."
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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted
Sega!"
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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and
potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.
Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the
horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.
Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.
Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy
Scouts and car pools.
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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl
came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that
earring?"
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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick
building.
Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.
In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.
Helping your father
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll
give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his
patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me
where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
Your father is drunk
To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....
You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
What is his occupation?
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for
a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from
them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that
day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the
door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be
some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing
like that to a seven-year-old?"
Head goes to the bar
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is
just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with
love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy
takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked,
begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The
bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing,
begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The
bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with
his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The
boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
A student's request for extra
money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked
her for some money, because he was broke.
His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your
economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that
up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.
So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad
goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she
gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"
"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."
"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"
"Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped
the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere
between the pages in chapter 15!"
Just cut your hair first
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license
and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school,
keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a
few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report
card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping
my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting
me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he
went."
An honest lawyer
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an
in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond
question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education
and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
Subjects for a date
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to
talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These
are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in
front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's
nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's
suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a
brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the
girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
Brag about parents
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
Child sent to bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his father...
[Five minutes later]
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
New family driver
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family
troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take
them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat,
directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of
sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming
boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as
you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
A parent's terrors of life
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I
will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are
not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three
headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant
at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire
Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I
had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite
me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind
of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are
planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be
before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same
love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for
the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which
prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it
from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking
daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race
and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be
bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure
you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that
his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he
comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no
dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the
hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there
is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in
Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,
Dorothy
Marriage quotes 02
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you
had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself
married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself
divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the
wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
I Could Use a Little Money
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With
all my $tuff, I $imply ?an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you
can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a
letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Writing letters to son
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides
being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the
following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much
younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."